career change

I’ve been trying to do some soul searching. Right now, I’m in engineering. I have my MS in Environmental Engineering. Unfortunately I think this profession sucks. Right now, I am working with all guys. This isn’t a bad thing, but can get pretty lonely being the only female. I don’t really talk to the guy’s wives either. I’m also the youngest at the firm. That is weird too. I’m a young female working in a guy’s world. Since Erik and I want to eventually end up in a rural town, I also have to think of a profession where I could get a job anywhere. At first I wanted to be a counselor, to help people when they needed it. So depressed people wouldn’t feel as alone. I applied to Vanderbilt soon after grad school to enter into their program, but no such luck. I got denied. Then I talked to the MTSU clinical psychology professor and she told me it will be hard for me to get in to any psychology program because I have an engineering background. Everyone knows that engineers don’t write don’t speak well, don’t write well, and of course don’t have a heart.So now I am considering nursing as a career change. It will take me several years to go to school and work at the same time. But I think it might just be worth it. I want to be a mental health nurse practitioner. That way I could still work with those with mental illnesses. Just in a different way.

I was talking to my counselor about this last session. Can’t heal others when you can’t heal yourself. Nothing I haven’t heard before. Just started doubting myself big time. By the time I made it home, I figured I wouldn’t do the nursing thing. I don’t know what to do as I feel so lost and alone with this decision. I was figuring maybe just take a class and see how it goes. I don’t have to take anymore if I figure out it isn’t for me. But then what will everyone else think?

the rage inside

Simple things set me off. I don’t go into an anger rage. More like a rage of depression. A you mean I didn’t do this right… oh my gosh I don’t want to live rage. It’s like a Stargate that takes you from one world to the other with no in between. A free fall that all you remember is being on the plane or top of cliff and then waking up hurt and confused on the ground. It’s not a rage against someone else, only me. In those times of the rage though, it almost seems like I am someone else, like the rage is targeted at me, who isn’t me.

 A rage that I can’t remember, but know that it is there. A rage that brings about blood, my own blood. A climax of feelings that ends with the feeling of knowing that I deserved what I got. As punishment for all the times I’ve lost control. For all the times I lived when I should have killed myself. To be able to feel the pain I can’t put into words. As if watching a physical wound heal will help the emotional ones inside. The wounds inside I don’t know about, I can’t remember, I can’t talk about.Long before this I have started to cry. The blood is blurry in between tears. Dizziness took over long ago. I’m me but I’m not me. I’m there but I’m not there. I’m inside my body but also outside looking in.

I watch as the knife cuts into me, but I can’t stop it. This time in the arm, maybe next time in another place. I’m so exhausted and so tired I just want to sleep. Eventually I do, the knife stops cutting. I wake up and the past events are like a dream, until I see the cuts. Things are better now, at least until the next thing that triggers the rage.