I woke up today, so therefore I’m sad. I find myself getting back in to this old ritual. I thought I was doing ok enough to at least get to 8 am before wanting to burst out in tears. Apparently not. It’s an old, intensely scary feeling, but one that I’m used to, at least. So used to it, that as strange as this may sound, it’s almost comforting. Crying myself asleep praying to die, waking up crying, because I’m alive. All silently of course. I’ve done this many times before, and from the looks of it, will likely do it many times again.
I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. I’m going to try to get through it without just sitting there and crying. Honestly, that’s all I feel like doing. I feel like someone holding me while I cry, but at the same time, I know that feeling will be too intense for me. Sometimes just a touch from someone can send shivers up my spine, and make me want to retreat in my shell.
I went on an X-Men kick this weekend, watching all four movies (one we saw in a theater). Let me apologize to those folks who haven’t seen it before… In the last X-Men movie, it started off with Xavier and Charles meeting Jean for the first time. They basically told her that she wasn’t alone in the mutation, and that there were others like her. Her response “I doubt that”, as she showed off her powers.
In a way, I feel just as alone as Jean felt at that moment. People tell me, trying to relate to me, that they understand depression, that they’ve been there, they know just how to help me, they know how I feel. I have a new response … “I doubt that”.
I doubt that people get the extreme conflicting thoughts. Do I hate or love this person today… Do I live or die… Do I cry or smile… Worthy or not… The conflicting feelings are endless. Everything is so strong, so intense, so extreme, so hopeless… and so very tiring. The tired and hopeless feeling, well those are the only feeling I’ve thought of recently that don’t have a conflicting thought to go to it.
I guess the real question was Xavier’s response. Am I going to let it control me, or control it myself. I vote for it controlling me. I can’t fight it anymore.