Back here again

Back here again

I remember walking down to the creek that morning. I remember the pocket knife in my pocket. I remember crying and walking until I found a stone to sit on. And I cried. I remember being worried about someone hearing me so I tried to be as quiet as I could with crying. I didn’t want anyone to find me and stop me. But I hurt so much. I wasn’t enough and I still am not. I don’t do enough for Erik. I don’t do enough for the kids. Every one is happier without me around. It’s true. I held the knife to my wrist and just sat there. I started to hurt but I just couldn’t go through with it. I’m a coward. One friend had texted me several days prior to this and told me that they would be unhappy if I died. That they would blame themselves. I lived for that person that day. But when you are living for someone and not yourself, things always get dicey when that person you are living for is no longer there. But that is the story of my life, right? No friend wants me. I exhaust them all. So I don’t let people in. It’s safer this way. I will be alone, but even if I let someone in I will still be alone eventually. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Even things are shitty at work. Which makes me think everything is my fault. I’m a failure at work and a failure at home.
I took off Tuesday sick with the kids. I told my boss on Monday afternoon. Had it set on my jabber. And he texts me at 930 Tuesday asking if we could do my second interim that day at 10. I of course said yes. So I had my interim with my sick teething child screaming in the background.
September 8th is coming again. And I want this to end.
i had been living because I didn’t think Erik could be calm enough for the kids. But he has calmed down considerably. He can take care of the kids and everyone will be better off without me here.
He still doesn’t want me around. He would rather have my sister. He would rather have anyone but me. Because I’m me. No one wants me. No one wants me around. And I don’t want to be a burden.
I’ve been wanting to do this for decades. I want this to be over. I just need to let this go.

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