Opening Up

It’s been rough. I am spiraling into depression. Hell, I’ve been here forever. I feel like I stay at rock bottom. I’m thinking about going back to counseling; at least then I will have someone to open up to.

I texted one of the bosses at work how I would go about going to counseling without my direct supervisor knowing. She gave me a long answer, including possibly going on FMLA. She ended the text with stay healthy. I responded back that healthy was a dream; I just want to want to live. I never heard a response back from her. I thought I had upset her; crossed some boundary I shouldn’t have. I made a mental note not to talk about it again with her. That was Sunday night.

Thursday I went in to talk to her about something else. Going back to college came up. I mentioned I wanted to go into psychology and be a counselor. Apparently this reminded her that she had called the clinic and gotten suicide hotline numbers for me. I had a meeting I had to go to, but I thanked her for the information. I wish I could have talked to her longer. I told her I was fine, but I wasn’t. I wish I had the nerve to tell her how scared I am. I wish I could talk to her about the conflict in my head. I wish I could tell her how intensely scared I am. I wish I could tell her the feelings are transitioning from wanting to die to wanting to kill myself.

I don’t know what to do. No one would miss me. No one would care.


I ran across this in one of my Facebook groups.

I’m pretty much alienated at work now. Unless someone *needs* something from me, I don’t see folks.

I sit in my office and pretend that I’m happy.

Pretend. Typically I’d say that it’s so much easier to pretend to be happy. To put a smile on my face

because that means I wouldn’t have to face the hurt that I’m feeling. Or to face the questions from

people. But honestly, at this point, no one is asking how I feel so it is even more lonely.

It feels this is never-ending. Right when I get to a point where I think everything is going to be ok, it

changes. I go from rock bottom to I’m going to make it through this, to rock bottom again. It’s just a

cycle. I had just recovered enough to think that my life was worth living; starting to be happy. Then all

this happened at work, and I realized that it really isn’t worth living.

Things get better folks say. I’m not really seeing the proof behind that. And at this point it wouldn’t

take much to convince me things could get better. Things are so bleak that any light would be helpful.

Anytime I didn’t have to argue with folks at work. Or argue with people at home.

So what happens when the chapters start running together? When life feels like one big long chapter,

with no break? When one chapter really does make up my whole story? Or what happens if there are

different chapters but they all end the same way?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter which scenario it is. It matters that I’m unhappy. That I can’t

breathe because I’m so focused on just staying alive. That I have absolutely no clue who can handle the

intense emotions. I want to talk to someone, but not sure who I can turn to.

I keep wondering… do things get better?

Will I be strong enough to end the struggle? Or will the struggle end me?

Monday at Work

One of my supervisors talked to me that morning. He told me getting HR involved was not the answer. He told me if I did, it would only complicate things, and that they wouldn’t be helpful.  The only time he had to get HR involved, it turned out bad. That I should go to the guy and tell him how much what he did hurt. To let the guy who was harassed complain and leave myself out of it.

Meanwhile, my husband was being mean to me because I hadn’t gone to HR yet. He thinks that I still like the guy and that I was covering for him.

Truth be told, I knew that I would lose every single friend I had by doing this. I didn’t want to. There was enough to get Robbie in trouble without me getting involved.

Hubby kept pushing. I didn’t want to go up against him. I contacted HR late that afternoon, after I had left. Meanwhile the guy that had been harassed wrote a complaint to the bosses. I forwarded my thoughts directly to the director, skipping over the boss that had been involved.  What was the point in going to her?  She had already pretty much thought it was funny.

Sexual Harrassment

I was headed off to the Engineer’s Banquet, the one night a year that my husband and I get a date. I get a text from a good friend that will change life.

My former boss is going in for open heart surgery to replace valves, one on his aorta. He is terribly afraid.  Everyone knows how afraid he is.  My best friend sent me and some other folks at work a text that he had told this guy going into surgery that he was going to tell everyone he was really having a gender reassignment surgery. It really happened.

At first I thought it was all a joke. But the more I thought about it the more I realized it likely happened.

To make matters worse, my boss wrote back to the text that “OMG you’re going to kill him”. That was her response. What the hell am I supposed to say after that?  She was talking about it at the dinner table and brushed it off.

We stayed at the banquet until dinner was over but didn’t linger. I wanted to get back home. My mom and hubby read the text. They both encouraged me to go to HR.  My mom made me promise to go to HR.

The next day, I wrote the guy going into surgery and asked if this really happened. Yes this guy had and he was very upset. He had asked the guy to stop and he hadn’t. He thought it belittled the fact that he was going in for open heart surgery.

What worried me as a manager was that no one else thought what this guy did was bad.  No one else reported it. It was done in front of two of my folks, one a newer hire. This isn’t the type of character I want my folks to have. This isn’t what I want for them to learn from this group.