My uncle…

I still can hear my mom say the words… Your uncle died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I wasn’t terribly close. I mean we visited but he wasn’t my best friend. The way he died … 

Helł, I’ve been through my fair share of suicidal times. I know head wise that there was nothing I could have done. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent his death. But still I wonder why I didn’t see what was going on… I mean wouldn’t a person who has struggled with suicidal feelings for 25 years be able to pick out someone who is dealing with it?
My husband claims he wasn’t depressed that it was medical issues that led him to kill himself. Basically he didn’t want to fight the cancer. So either he was lying when he told us all what the prognosis was (he was stage 0) or he was fighting depression. I’m thinking he was depressed. I’m tired of my husband putting words in other people’s mouths telling them what he thinks. 
So why didn’t I see it?  Was I too wrapped up in my own life to care?  I was too busy to stop by and see him. I was too busy to shoot him a simple email asking how he was doing. And now… He’s dead. 
And I’m such a horrible person… Because while I’m sorry he went through everything he did and thought things were so hopeless he had to kill himself… I’m jealous and mad. I want to die more than anything. I want to kill myself and he was able to go through with it. And my mom is so upset that I hate going through with it myself also. 
But honestly, that’s where I am.  I’m more scared than I’ve ever been. And like I’ve said I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’m afraid this is the last chance I will get to go through with it. Anything past this and Samantha might remember me. And I don’t want her to. I don’t want to burden her with my memory.   So it’s this year or I have to live out the rest of my life. I can’t do this any longer. 25 years of the pain is enough. 
I’m a couple months out so I’m going to start writing good bye notes, preparing my funeral wishes. It shouldn’t take long to do all that.  No one will really miss me. So who do I say good bye to?  And I don’t want a funeral.  I don’t want an expensive party that no one shows up to.  And the few that do show up is out of obligation and not because they care. 
I’m done with this life. Honestly, I just wish I could tell someone … So the burden isn’t so heavy. I have no one to trust at this point. The one person I do trust with this I’ve leaned on too much. I don’t want to bother him with this. 
I have to be a big girl and deal with this alone. I can’t admit what I’m planning otherwise I will be stopped. No one will understand. I’d just be some horrible person that was selfish. That’s all I am. A selfish ass. A selfish ass that is hurting terribly inside. 
Confession #436.56b (yes I made up that number)… I stopped taking my medicine. I know in a way that is one of the reasons I feel like I do. However, like I said earlier I don’t want anything to stand in my way. I don’t want to feel better momentarily just to be thrown back in the grips of depression afterwards. I want the courage and motivation to go through with this. I don’t need an unnatural high to postpone the inevitable. 

65 Days

I fell down the steps this morning. My sister asked what happened and my husband responded that I was staring at my phone and not paying attention and fell down the stairs. When I said I wasn’t even looking at my phone, and the stairs were slippery he then said it was because I hadn’t vaccummed. It’s always my fault with him. I can never do anything right. I’m a horrible person. I get it. And I deserve it. I deserve it every time I get yelled at. I deserve to cry. I deserve to be alone. 

Putting on a smile is getting tiring. I can’t keep this up any longer. I can’t pretend I’m someone who I’m not.  And I don’t want the questions from others… What’s wrong… Why am I not smiling?  i have the perfect life. I have no reason to be unhappy. 

I keep trying to decide. Is this really what I want… After this weekend, I think I’m at peace with my decision. In a way, I wish there was another way, but this is the only way. 

My husband loves my sister. He lights up with her around. I’m around for the sex and paycheck, and that’s it. He wants to be with her. It gets more and more apparent every time I see him with her.  I‘m not going to stand in the way. 

I don’t believe in divorce. Even if I did, I don’t think I could be alone. No one would want to be with me. I’m a horrible person. I’m fat and ugly. I wouldn’t want anyone’s pity for having a failed marriage. And I can’t do these sleepless nights where I just want to cry… Or more recently where I can’t stop crying. 
I see no other way out than this. Erik will get the insurance money. He can pay off the house. Or use it to buy something better. My sister can move in with him. Samantha will be happy with her around and won’t need me. And better yet, I’ll be at peace. A peace I haven’t completely known for… Well, forever. 
I can’t think of one person who would miss me. Everyone would turn out for the better. 
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified. What happens when you die?  Does everything just stop?  Will things get better?  Will I really be at peace?  Or will I just go to hell for being such a bad person?  I can’t imagine God would want someone like me. Will Hell be better?  At this point I’m not sure I care, as long as I’m away from here. 
I don’t want to die alone. But I suppose I deserve to die as I have lived. I’m a horrible person and no one deserves to have to be around me. 

73 more days…

I’m alone. I’m afraid. I have no one to trust. And no where to go… 

So I want to go away. Where is away?  Do I really care as long as it isn’t here? No one will care that I’m gone. And I want this to happen more that ever. 
None of my coworkers will care. Hell they probably want me to die. Then they don’t have to put up with me. My husband wouldn’t care. He wants to be with my sister so if I died that would be good for him. 
I’m so alone. I don’t know what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. I’m scared. 

90 days…

It’s been a while I know. But the feelings are still there. Just had a few extra days of feeling like crap. 

I’m mad at my uncle for going through something i was so wanting to do. Since he did it I don’t want to stress my mom out with more stuff to do. 
I feel so alone. Like when people ask me to eat lunch with them, they are secretly not wanting me to come. I feel like an outsider, like I will never have a real friend.
I just want to be alone. That way no one will know. It’s just lonely this way. I don’t want people to know the struggles I go through.  I just want to sleep and never wake up. 

No title tonight

My sister’s time here for the summer comes to an end on Thursday. I’m going to miss having her here in some ways, in other ways will be glad to see her go. 

E loves my sister. If I didn’t know better I would say he loves her more than me. He wants to take baths with her. He wants to snuggle with her.  He wants to talk to her.  He wants to be with her. 
If he talks to me, he claims he doesn’t understand any thing I say. I constantly have to repeat myself because I’m not clear.  He argues with me just to argue with me or he claims he doesn’t hear me or he is thinking and doesn’t want to bother with me. I can’t talk to him anymore. It is too much of a chore. The only time he seems to want to be close to me is when he is crunching on chips and that is typically right in my ear. And he knows that annoys me. Most of the rest of the time he is opposite side of the sofa. He doesn’t seem to want to be with me. 
Can I blame him?  My sister is cuter. She has bigger boobs. Apparently she is funner to be with. I’m just me. No one cares about me. I have nothing going for me. No good attributes. I’m just here. A big blob. I don’t blame him. 
I keep thinking everyone’s life would be so much better without me in it. If I died then my life insurance could go to paying off the house. E wouldn’t have to work where he is so he wouldn’t be as unhappy. My sister could marry him. S wouldn’t ever know the difference. They could just tell her my sister was her mom.   I’m not needed as much as everyone thinks I am. 
With my uncle killing himself though I can’t kill myself and make it obvious suicide. I think my mom wouldn’t make it through that. However I think she would be ok if I just died. Just can’t be at my hands. You know single person car wreck. Something like that. I don’t want to take anyone else with me. 
I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. Probably because I am. The only person who cares about me is S. And she is young enough she will forget about me in no time. I don’t know what to do. Where to go. How to get through this. 
I know I will go to hell if I go through this. Quite frankly I feel like I already am in hell.  I’m scared.  
As stupid as this sounds, I really wish someone would hold me while I cry. I wish someone would be there when I died so I wouldn’t have to go through it all by myself. I guess whoever did though would get in trouble. So I have to die as I have lived. Alone. 
I wish more than anything to be able to talk this out candidly with someone. No fear of being hospitalized. No fear of someone preventing me from carrying out whatever decision I make. No fear of a lost friendship or judgement. That just can’t happen. So again, I’m alone in my feelings. I’m alone in life. And I can’t stop crying. 
Very few people in my real life know this time. I’m ashamed. I was doing so good. I feel like I have let everyone down. I’m a failure. 

Hard time

My husband loves my sister. As in really loves her. I’ve given up on being his only love. Honestly acceptance of him not loving me is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Acceptance of a failed relationship isn’t as easy though. I don’t want to stay with him. If he wants to be with my sister than I’m all for it. In fact her being here has meant that my summer has gone so much better. He is putting all his focus on her instead of trying to figure out everything I’m doing wrong. Not near as many arguments this way. I’d be happy if she lived with us for that reason only. 

And this is the point that I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe in divorce. And I’m not really sure that it’s crossed the line where I want to get a divorce. If I knew my sister would marry him if I did then I probably would. I don’t want to see him alone. 
I’m torn. I have no clue what to do. The only other option… Well besides staying with him… Is suicide. I’m already planning that. Nov 10 can’t come quick enough. I’m going to start cutting back on food. I want this more than anything. I don’t want to live anymore. While my husband’s relationship might be part of the cause it isn’t the only reason. 
More than anything I don’t want to face the feelings I have for someone else. I don’t know how to move past this. Even if I went through divorce I have no shot with this guy. He is way out of my league. 
I’m so alone. And afraid. Less than four more months now. And I’m free. 

Reality setting in…

At some point the pain stops, right?  I wake up one morning and I’m happy… 

I’m having such a hard time accepting that I have to live my life like this. But I feel trapped and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. I’ve dealt with this just about my entire life. But it doesn’t get any easier. In fact, it gets more helpless and harder. And more lonely. 

Not many people know this time.  I haven’t told my husband how I feel. I don’t want him to know what kind of person I am. How horrible I am. 

Most think that every thing is OK now. That I’ve recovered. Honestly that’s how I want it to be. I’m not sure I want help this time. I’ve done that. It didn’t work. It landed me right back here. 
The high after the little one was good but reality has set back in. The reality that I’m not good enough to be happy. That I deserve to live like this. That I don’t deserve happiness. That I don’t deserve life. 

My Uncle

My uncle died nearly two weeks ago. We were preparing to go on vacation.  We were to leave to go to KS on Saturday and then to Colorado on Monday. Then back to kansas in time for the fourth of July festivities and fair. 

Tuesday night my mom called and told us that my uncle had died from a self inflicted gun shot wound. The sentence is still haunting on so many levels.  
We weren’t particularly close by any means. We saw each other a couple times a year. We were Facebook friends. Beyond that he kept up with us through my mom who talked to him every night. I will miss him. But honestly this is more about the suicide than about losing my uncle. 
My plan was to take my life on my birthday in 127 days barring I don’t get pregnant before then. I don’t know what to do now. In a way I’m jealous.  He was more courageous than me. He did something I haven’t had the courage to do.  

I’m not killing myself for attention but to get rid of the pain and struggles I deal with every day. No one understands.  No one understands the physical and emotional pain of depression. And I feel so ashamed because I can’t do something as simple as being happy right. I feel so alone. The friends I used to be able to talk to about this have gotten tired of putting up with me. If I was my friend I would be too. 

But now my mom has enough to deal with because of my Uncle’s death. Regardless of what I may think the initial death thing is a big deal. Funerals, wills — all of it has to be taken care of. I don’t know if she is strong enough to take my death so soon after.  But I don’t know that I am strong enough to live much longer.  And so I’m stuck, alone and afraid. 

144 days

I feel like shit. All the time. Someone today told me this too shall pass. While it’s a comforting thought, I stopped believing that a long time ago. What’s the point?  I honestly have no hope anymore. I’m scared and don’t want to continue on. And while I don’t really have anyone to turn to anymore it’s better to distance myself. Be completely alone. Then people won’t ask questions. That’s when I seem to get in trouble a lot. I’m scared and alone. And I can’t even seem to make complete thoughts anymore…


I’m tired. I feel like crap. I really could use some sleep… But I can’t sleep. My brain won’t shut down but I can’t concentrste enough to do any work. 

I still want to die. People don’t understand being so depressed that living to the next day seems overwhelming. People think that those of us who want to kill ourselves are selfish. But just as people with terminal illnesses, we just want the pain to stop. I don’t care whether I go to hell, I just want the pain to stop. 
There’s no one I can talk to about this. No one that would understand the weight of the emptiness. The complete feelings of loneliness. The knowing it won’t get better tomorrow. 
I shouldn’t feel like this. I have a husband  and a sweet little girl. Everything that a person would want. I feel selfish, that I don’t have the right to feel like this. 
And I’m still alone and depressed… And want to die.