Another last…

I just realized that I said good bye to my sister for the last time earlier today. I wish I would have realized it. I would have hugged her longer. Made sure she knew I loved her. But I didn’t. Next weekend I will say good bye to my mom for the last time. It’s all hitting me that this is the end. When I get home, I’m going to increase the Zoloft to make sure I get through this. In some ways I feel like I’m just going through the motions of the days, counting down until the pain ends. I’m trying to live in the present more, to give the kids extra hugs so they know they are loved. I don’t know how to prepare them for this.

I just want someone to hold me. To hug me. To remind me that I’m loved. To tell me that I matter even if they have told me a thousand times before. I need to hear it again. I don’t think it will save me, but on some level it will bring me peace. And right now I need that.

I have a counseling appointment on Thursday. I have no clue what I want to talk about. In fact I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I don’t want to open up to someone new. I don’t think I can trust again. I’ve been hurt too much. Even the couples counselor I don’t want to talk to.

I just want this to end. I’m tired of fighting.

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