another hard confession

I’ve not been having good days lately.  Things just seem like they keep crashing.  I’m so overwhelmed at work.  Overwhelmed at home.  Overwhelmed with the depression.  What do you do when your life feels like it is falling apart?  How do you keep hanging on?  Why do you keep hanging on.  It’s not like I haven’t been in this same place for 16 years.  I should be used to it, but I’m not.  The depression is my fault, if I worked harder at it, then I could make it go away.  But apparently I’m not trying hard enough because I am still depressed, even after all the counseling, I still don’t feel better.  I feel like a failure.  I can’t even be happy right.  I guess I have another hard confession to make.  I know people won’t understand it, but I have to say it anyway.  I cut.  I know I’ve said that before, but I cut in a certain place, a private part inside of me.  I don’t know why I do it.  I have a ritual that I usually do, but I’m too embarassed to tell it here right now.  It is one of the few places I can hurt myself and my husband not know about.  But I think it goes deeper than that.  I think I think I deserve to be hurt there.  My husband will be out all next week.  It means it will be harder for me to keep composure over my emotions.  Really no friends to help me through it.  I’ll be alone with no help.  It’s scary facing that fact.  It’s also scary facing the fact that no one may ever care if I die. 

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