Another day…

Well, it’s another one of those days. You know, when you wake up and start off wondering if you can make it through? So many of my days seem to be like that lately. I look around and everyone else seems to be happy, except for me… and I wonder, what exactly do they get that I’m missing.

I wrote my counselor a letter last week (I posted it on here, for those of you who missed that post). As usual I gave it to him at the end of the session. I should start giving him the letters during the session, instead of at the end. So we can talk about what I’m feeling then, then; but I’ve never liked people reading what I write while I’m right there. I guess this time especially the feelings aren’t going to change too much from session to session. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I want this life to fast forward until death. Yup, that sums it up in a nut shell. I have such problems, I wonder if I’m ever going to be ok. I mean really be ok. Wake up in the morning and not hope for death, but be happy to face the day. I understand that every day is a gift from above, I get that, and I feel guilty for feeling bad, but geez, I just don’t know how much more I can take.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. There are tons of people out there that are going through much worse situations. I’m not. I have a job that pays the bills fairly comfortably. A husband that loves me. A dog that loves me. What more can a gal want? Am I just a horrible person because of the pain and darkness I’m in? This goes beyond just being able to snap out of it. This is harder. This is a violent roller coaster ride, going from low to base and back, never going high. I’m tired of being on this ride. I’m tired of wondering if I’m ever going to be happy. I guess in a way though, it’s not like I really know what being happy means. I can’t remember a time when I was happy. How pathetic is that? How pathetic is it that I don’t’ even know what the feeling is like. I look around and all these people are smiling, laughing, getting along through life. And I’m fighting tears all the time, even when where I’m at isn’t someplace I should be crying.

It’s hard for me to make friends. And when I do make friends, it’s hard not to push them away. Don’t ask why, it just is. It’s like I know they are going to hate me, and freak out. It’s easier to get through if I’m the one doing the “breaking up” instead of the one being hurt myself. Yes, I know, it’s a control issue. I’m a horrible person. A horrible person that’s terrified from the feelings a lot.

One thought on “Another day…”

  1. First of all you are NOTeven close to being a "horrible" person. It's completely understandable you feel some guilt believing that other peoples issue seem worse then your, only that doesn't matter at all. This is about you and you should ALWAYS take care of your first.

    Being in a deep depression is the worst place. The hopelessness alone is anough to push you over the edge. I can relate to not being able to remember happiness. I continue to deal with this issue. When I talk about finding my happiness crying is the first reaction. My only coping skill is to not look to far into the future, I stay in the present moment.

    Even then it's still diffcult when you feel like the whole world is living and moving forward and you're stuck motionless. You notice happiness because you're searching for your own, But if you paid attenton there are just as much sadness, you are not alone.

    Climbing back into bed and sleeping the days away feels good at the time, then reality sets in and you realize you've just accomplished more of nothing. It a vicious cycle when depression sets in. Your intellegent mind knows it will pass, but your realistic mind knows it won't be soon enough or how that will ever happen

    Depression wraps its self around your whole body, it's not just in your mind. You can feel it on the inside. This is an Illness and needs to be treated as such. Now i know doing activities proven to help aren't always realistic. You know working out & moving, as little as a walk" will definitely help, but accomplishing such a task impossible.

    So what can you do? What's one small thing you can do for you just for today to help you begin the healling process? I know your mind "laughs" at this question, obviously you would be doing it right? wrong? Just the act of thinking up one solution is a huge accomplishment. Start here …….

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