The days are getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I’m starting to realize that things won’t get better. That life won’t get better.
Someone told me tonight that there is always hope. I don’t feel it. I want to go through with dying. I want to stop the pain. I want the journey of life to be over.
Very few people get how I feel. Very few people understand. All these people want me to stay alive though. They don’t understand the feelings. They don’t understand the pain I’m in. I just want all the feelings to stop. I’m scared and alone.
Things are getting worse with Erik. I always seem to be doing something wrong. Something to get yelled at for. To him I’m such a horrible wife. I feel like that all the time. I feel like everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here. Even if I broke up with him no one would want me. I’m ugly. I’m socially inept. Why would anyone want to be near me at alll. I’m scare and alone.
I wish I could talk to my counselor from college again. Though I’m ashamed at where I’m at. I can’t even be happy right. I’m so stupid I can’t do this right. I’m alone and afraid.