alone and afraid

alone and afraid

I’m tired of fighting this.  I’m tired of waking up every morning.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m someone else to please society.  There are times I just wish I could put my head down on my desk and cry, and not have people criticize me because of it.  That day’s never going to come.  I’ve given up on having someone there to comfort me, and on ever getting better.  What’s the point?  Would anyone care if I died?  Likely not.  There’s not a real life friend I can talk to about this, even if I could muster up the courage.  It’s terribly hard to get through the day at work without crying.  I have to be ever vigilant to wipe all tears before someone comes in to talk to me.  Uh, why am I crying?  Beats the hell out of me.  If I bring up the depression to a real life friend they side step the conversation.  On line friends just drop me.  The ones that decide to keep me just want to lecture me on everything I’m doing wrong.  It’s like I’m their personal pet to cure.  When they figure out I’m incurable they just say everything’s my fault and I’m too depressing for them to hang around.  So, when I say I’m in this alone, I mean it.  With a few exceptions, family doesn’t know about my depression.  And I’m not going to tell them.  It’s better this way.  I’m more free to make certain decisions.  Decisions I feel only I have the right to make. 

It’s hard when I get like this not to cancel my facebook page, and twitter, and every thing else.  Having to deal with others is too hard.  The friends that used to text message me don’t anymore.  I guess I’m too depressing for them too.  My blog is starting to sound like a broken record, and it’s hard for me to reach out to people even through this anymore.

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