Alone

I’m completely alone with the thoughts. I don’t know who to turn to, where to go. Nights hurt a lot.

I’ve started cutting again. I feel the blade cut my skin. First one arm, then the other. But I’m still numb. I turn my arm over. I want to just run the blade down the middle, over the main vein. Let the blood flow out. Give up. I don’t. I just cry.

I got so close that day. All I had to do was press down. How come I couldn’t press down? How come I turned around and went back home? It was probably one of the closest times I’ve ever had. And I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to so badly. Every one says I won’t do it. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am just doomed to live this life forever. I don’t want them to be right. I want there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I want this to be the light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s not… Yet.

He wouldn’t care. He’s told me they get along fine without me. He’s told me he wouldn’t be sad if I died. He’s told me to leave and never come back. He’s told me no one else would love me. I believe him. I believe all of that. I believe no one would love me. I believe if I leave, I would be alone the rest of my life.

My oldest gave me a hug the other day. Told me she didn’t want me to leave. I was taken aback by it. I’m going to let her down. I’m going to fail in her eyes. But I can’t keep doing this.

I can’t keep living this way. Something’s got to give. I’ll leave behind life insurance. E will be able to pay off the house. No one will need money. They won’t need me.

Nothing matters anymore. I’m alone. That’s the best place to be right now. Less people to hurt. Less people to say good bye to. Less people to notice.

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