65 Days

I fell down the steps this morning. My sister asked what happened and my husband responded that I was staring at my phone and not paying attention and fell down the stairs. When I said I wasn’t even looking at my phone, and the stairs were slippery he then said it was because I hadn’t vaccummed. It’s always my fault with him. I can never do anything right. I’m a horrible person. I get it. And I deserve it. I deserve it every time I get yelled at. I deserve to cry. I deserve to be alone. 

Putting on a smile is getting tiring. I can’t keep this up any longer. I can’t pretend I’m someone who I’m not.  And I don’t want the questions from others… What’s wrong… Why am I not smiling?  i have the perfect life. I have no reason to be unhappy. 

I keep trying to decide. Is this really what I want… After this weekend, I think I’m at peace with my decision. In a way, I wish there was another way, but this is the only way. 

My husband loves my sister. He lights up with her around. I’m around for the sex and paycheck, and that’s it. He wants to be with her. It gets more and more apparent every time I see him with her.  I‘m not going to stand in the way. 

I don’t believe in divorce. Even if I did, I don’t think I could be alone. No one would want to be with me. I’m a horrible person. I’m fat and ugly. I wouldn’t want anyone’s pity for having a failed marriage. And I can’t do these sleepless nights where I just want to cry… Or more recently where I can’t stop crying. 
I see no other way out than this. Erik will get the insurance money. He can pay off the house. Or use it to buy something better. My sister can move in with him. Samantha will be happy with her around and won’t need me. And better yet, I’ll be at peace. A peace I haven’t completely known for… Well, forever. 
I can’t think of one person who would miss me. Everyone would turn out for the better. 
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified. What happens when you die?  Does everything just stop?  Will things get better?  Will I really be at peace?  Or will I just go to hell for being such a bad person?  I can’t imagine God would want someone like me. Will Hell be better?  At this point I’m not sure I care, as long as I’m away from here. 
I don’t want to die alone. But I suppose I deserve to die as I have lived. I’m a horrible person and no one deserves to have to be around me. 

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