What happens when you can’t see a future? When every possible outcome you don’t want to (or can’t) live through? When the one outcome you want you can’t have?
I’m scared by the feelings. I’m getting closer and closer to going through with it. I have a little less than two weeks left here on Earth. I’ll ring in the New Year one more time. Eleven more days. I plan on taking the day off sick. I’m not sure when during the course of the day I will do it. I won’t take my phone with me. I will leave a note on the kitchen counter. I’ll kiss the kids extra that morning. I’ll tell them good bye for the last time.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. How do you say goodbye? How do you explain the raging intensely sad feelings inside when on the outside you have to be happy? How do you explain to someone who thinks you’re strong that you really aren’t?
Either way I lose. And I can’t take the pain any longer. This way gives my husband and kids more money. They can pay off the house and do things they want to do without me. I’m not needed. I’m expendable. I want this. I need this. Please don’t judge me.