Forgive me please

I need someone to talk to. Badly. Someone who gets how I feel. Someone I don’t have to talk to but gets the pain without having to put it into words. Someone sitting beside me, not screens away.

However, I’m busy pushing everyone away. I’m fine. I’ve been like this for years. I’ll be ok. I don’t need help. Until I’m left alone, praying for someone to text or call. Trying to hold back the flood of tears. A wall between me and them. Protection. A shell. Hell. Pure hell. A lonely shell. A reminder I’m not worth anything.

I’m scared as shit. And I haven’t been like this in years. The pain isn’t numb anymore. The feelings are overwhelming. It’s hard to hide them. It’s hard to hide the tears.

Someone can tell me that I should look at things logically. That I shouldn’t let words hurt me. They do. They hurt alot.

“It wouldn’t matter if you died” … “We don’t need you, we got along fine without you” well, let’s test that. Let’s really test it. As a reward, you get the life insurance money.

Well I’m here to tell you, words matter. Words matter a lot. And I don’t care how many times someone tells me that I matter, I will still remember that everyone gets along fine without me. That it won’t matter if I died.

I’m scared.

I’m alone.

I’m hurting.

I don’t have the strength to pull myself out this time. I don’t want to pull myself out this time. I don’t want to constantly fight this. I want this to be the end.

Please forgive me.

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