33 days

The tears flow freer than the words…

Yesterday, my husband yelled at me because I wanted to leave damp clothes in the dryer to finish drying. He said they were all dry. And that if I thought some were still damp, I needed to come down there and find the damp ones. Only the damp ones should be in the dryer, instead of all the clothes. He then left for five hours. He wouldn’t answer texts. I didn’t know if he was ok. I wasn’t ok. He came back home, and went straight up to bed. Locked the door. Moved all the clothes I was packing out of the way (so I ended up refolding everything on the bed). Next morning wouldn’t be in the same room as me. Everywhere he went, he locked the door behind him. He refused to ride in to work with us. He wouldn’t talk to us. S asked on the way to school if she could tell people about what daddy did. No… that stays at home. I’m teaching my 5 year old how to cover up. To lie. To suppress her feelings.

Maybe things will get better. Maybe they won’t be like this forever. I doubt it.

In that moment, and a lot of moments following, I wanted to die.

On top of things with my husband, things are strained with my best friend. Someone that I was literally closest to more than anyone. Who I wanted to be there. Who I could tell the truth to. Who wouldn’t judge me. The person I stayed alive for.

I want someone to hold me while I cry. To tell me things will get better. To lie.

But at the end of the day, I know there’s no one there that will hold me while I cry. No one to tell me things will get better because they won’t. I’m a failure. And unloved. No one will love me because I’m not worth it. No one will miss me. No one cares.

I want this to end. But I would fail at that too. Just like everything else. I’m trapped. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. I want everything to be over.

If I survive this, I’m not trusting again. No more friends. No more hurt. Alone. But no one to answer to.

Everyone tells me things will get better. They don’t. They get worse. I can’t take anymore.

The tears flow freer than the words. Everything is blurry. Everything hurts. I want it to stop. I’m scared.

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