I got 1.5 hours of sleep last night. It’s 9:30 pm here. I’m crying again.

I sat today for quite a while trying to dial the number to the counselor I had picked out. I didn’t have the courage to make the call. While I have a friend trying to convince me to make the call, I couldn’t.

Everything is suspended in time. I can’t move forward. I feel like I’m trapped. Physically trapped. Emotionally trapped. I don’t know a way out of this. Honestly, I’m not sure I want a way out of this. I want to be dead. I can’t take the stress anymore. I’m pretty sure everyone else wants me dead too.

………………

It was Sunday. We were at the Farm, deciding what task was going to come next. We were going to finish up some odds and ends here and there. Then we all thought we were moving to the kitchen. It’s approaching Thanksgiving, and my mom wanted a kitchen by then. That’s what our course of action has been for awhile. E wanted to do the dining room. My mom wanted to do the kitchen next. I took up for her and mentioned that we could have the kitchen done by Thanksgiving if we did it next. E lost his shit. Started yelling at my mom. Went upstairs to pout. I mention to him that my parents are going to have everything contracted out. He went outside and sat on the bench. Wouldn’t talk to me or anyone else. So I packed up. He then starts fussing at my mom again. Calls me a bitch. My mom takes up for me. And he comes unglued.

He was in my face yelling earlier that day. He was in my mom’s face yelling. I was scared by the intensity of the aggression. I could tell my mom was unnerved too.

………………

Later that day, a friend told me it as time to think about being hospitalized. I played it off. He stuck by assessment. He knows me.

I want to die. I want more than anything to just give up. No one will miss me. No one will care. I don’t know what to say anymore. No one cares. I want this more than anything. I don’t want to be stopped.

How do you tell loved ones good by? How do you tell them that you weren’t good enough? How do you go on pretending everything is ok when things aren’t. I’m scared. I’m alone.

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