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Month: August 2020

Back here again

Back here again

I remember walking down to the creek that morning. I remember the pocket knife in my pocket. I remember crying and walking until I found a stone to sit on. And I cried. I remember being worried about someone hearing me so I tried to be as quiet as I could with crying. I didn’t want anyone to find me and stop me. But I hurt so much. I wasn’t enough and I still am not. I don’t do enough for Erik. I don’t do enough for the kids. Every one is happier without me around. It’s true. I held the knife to my wrist and just sat there. I started to hurt but I just couldn’t go through with it. I’m a coward. One friend had texted me several days prior to this and told me that they would be unhappy if I died. That they would blame themselves. I lived for that person that day. But when you are living for someone and not yourself, things always get dicey when that person you are living for is no longer there. But that is the story of my life, right? No friend wants me. I exhaust them all. So I don’t let people in. It’s safer this way. I will be alone, but even if I let someone in I will still be alone eventually. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Even things are shitty at work. Which makes me think everything is my fault. I’m a failure at work and a failure at home.
I took off Tuesday sick with the kids. I told my boss on Monday afternoon. Had it set on my jabber. And he texts me at 930 Tuesday asking if we could do my second interim that day at 10. I of course said yes. So I had my interim with my sick teething child screaming in the background.
September 8th is coming again. And I want this to end.
i had been living because I didn’t think Erik could be calm enough for the kids. But he has calmed down considerably. He can take care of the kids and everyone will be better off without me here.
He still doesn’t want me around. He would rather have my sister. He would rather have anyone but me. Because I’m me. No one wants me. No one wants me around. And I don’t want to be a burden.
I’ve been wanting to do this for decades. I want this to be over. I just need to let this go.

Counseling appointment

Counseling appointment

“How are you today”

What came out of my mouth wasn’t what I wanted to say.

“I’m ok”

Translation: I’m not ok. I need help.

Why is that so hard for me to say? Why am I ashamed to say that I’m struggling? Why am I ashamed to tell the one person that I know cares, one of the few people I trust? Why is the question so anxiety producing for me? Why the heck can’t I tell my counselor how much I’m hurting?

if your friend asked you how you were doing, what would you say? Would you tell them the fun stuff or would you tell them the pain you are feeling?

If I had said how I felt I didn’t know how to explain it. I had no idea where to go. Where to start. How to convey the intensity. How to convey the emptiness. How to convey the hopelessness. I still don’t.

it’s been almost two years since I sat at the creek wanting to kill myself. I still regret not going through with it. I regret living. Given everything going on this past few months I don’t know how I’m going to get past the anniversary this year. I don’t know how I’m going to process everything.

Don’t worry. I won’t kill myself. But I do want to die. I’m trapped. I can’t leave my husband with three small kids.

Here’s an analogy for you. Most people consider depression like a tunnel and you are searching for the light at the end of it. My tunnel is a big circle, with no hopes of having a light.

What would you do?

What would you do?

What would you do if a friend told you she wanted to die?

What would you say? What would you do?

Would you tell her how much you would miss her? Would you tell her how much others would miss her? Would you check on her? Would you sit in her office, and push her to call for help and make sure she did? Would you send that one text that she holds at night, while she is agonizing over the decision, the one text that keeps her alive to the next morning?

Would you give her a suicide helpline and send her on her way, never to mention it again? Would you tell her how she just needed to make a decision, no matter what that decision is? Would you encourage her to go through with it because of the pain she is going through? Would you brush her off because she hasn’t done it so far and you doubt she will in the future? Would you send that one text that pushes her closer and closer to a decision to go through with it?

I promise… telling someone that you want to die isn’t easy. It’s not just saying random words out loud. Admitting that to someone else takes a lot of courage. Don’t brush that courage off.

A while ago, the mental health folks at work sent out an email. They said if someone is feeling suicidal not to share your own pain with them. You know what?! Share your pain. Don’t let me feel like an outsider in this too. Tell me about your worse day. If you’ve struggled with depression, tell me. Depression is feeling ostracized. Depression is feeling alone. Depression is feeling like there will never be a light at the end of the tunnel. If you have seen the light at the end of a never ending tunnel, share it.