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Month: July 2020

Alone

Alone

We are on vacation. I started this journey off happy, thinking maybe I could continue to stay alive, maybe there is a purpose. 
I’ve done a lot of soul searching the last week. A lot. I’m in the peace of the mountains. I love it here. I can think; everything is clear. 
I know my husband no longer loves me. He is currently sleeping on the sofa. Plenty of room in the bed but he is choosing to sleep on the sofa. Anything I want he argues with.
The tears are rolling. They make me feel even more alone. No one is here to care. I so just want someone to hold me while I cry. I want someone to tell me that I am loved. I’m supposed to be strong but I’m not. I’m weak. 
They say that the worst pain is for a parent to bury a kid. That is why I stay alive.  I wonder if their life wouldn’t be better if I just went through with it. They wouldn’t have to worry about me. They wouldn’t have to care for me. I would be gone. The kids would be a lot better off without me.  Everyone would be a lot happier without me. 
Even if I had someone here to talk to, what would I say?  That life isn’t worth living anymore?  How do I make someone understand the intensity of the hopelessness?  How do I put what I’m feeling into words?