I’m tired. I’m alone. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
A virus started spreading several months ago in the US. It’s now everywhere. The government has shut businesses down. Schools are out until the end of April, likely the rest of the year. We are working from home for work, have been for two weeks and will continue to do so for at least another three weeks. Everyone is concerned. But honestly, I like this new norm. We didn’t do much outside of work and hang out at home anyway. We didn’t go out with friends. We don’t do extra curricular activities. We just work and stay home. Now my husband has had to get used to not going anywhere. He’s a lot more extroverted. He keeps asking me if he can go to the store to get something. I tell him to put it in the amazon cart. Nope you can’t go. He can go to a small grocery store for essentials. “Can I go to the store to get some spray paint?” No!! He’s more at risk than the rest of the family. We are doing this for people like him. And we have to keep reminding him that he can’t go out.
The kids are enjoying S having no school. I haven’t seen her this happy in so long. It’s also a little sad. She doesn’t want to go back to school. She doesn’t have any friends she wants to see. She doesn’t want to see the teacher.
So we get to work from home now. This is great. It saves time and patience and money. I don’t want to go into work anyways. I don’t want to see the people I work with. Just seeing them makes my anxiety go up. Out of sight. Out of mind. At least I think that’s what is going on.
I interviewed for two jobs. The first job the person told me that they have put all hiring on hold while they figure out this coronavirus thing. The second one told me that they gave the job to someone who had been in the section for years. She called and turned me down over the phone and told me she wanted me to work over there and that they would just need to find a spot for me. I give up. There’s no spot for me. No one wants me. Who am I fooling? I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t think anyone will notice if I’m not here.
Counseling sessions are now on Zoom. I cancelled my appointments until I could meet in person again. I need the in person session. Even if I had it I wouldn’t be able to open up. I’m horrible. I need to open up. I need to tell someone how much I’m struggling. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I know there isn’t hope though. I know no one will care. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to tell me that this will get better. I need someone to tell me that I am loved.
I’m scared. I have no way forward. At least no way forward that I want to be a part of. I want to cut again. I want to feel the pain. To see the blood. To suffer.
This new norm allows me to isolate. This isn’t good for me but I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know who I can trust. Everyone would be better off without me.