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Month: March 2020

I’m not strong enough…

I’m not strong enough…

“How are you doing?”

“I’m not strong enough.”

“Strong enough for what? For a particular thing?”

“For everything. For life”

I’m not strong enough to keep going with the kids. I have three kids plus a husband who might as well be a kid. I’m tired of the yelling. I’m tired of trying to bring everyone together. I’m tired of being the cheerleader. I’m tired from keeping everyone together. I can’t do it all. I can’t fix everyone’s tears. I can’t protect everyone. If I stopped, no one would care. If I wasn’t here, no one would care. If I wasn’t here, no one would notice.

I’m not strong enough for work. I’m not strong enough to keep things going there. I’m not strong enough to keep putting on a smiling face when I’m miserable. I’m not strong enough to have a voice. I’m not strong enough to get people to listen to me. I’m not strong enough to be a good worker. No one would miss me. No one wants me there anyways. Right now suicide is covered in life insurance policy. If I go through with it, Erik and the kids will be set. I’m worth more dead
I’m not strong enough to be a good friend. I have text messages and Facebook messages to answer and all I want to do is sit on the bed and cry.

I’m not strong enough to be strong. I’m not strong enough to stop the tears. I’m not strong enough to be alone. I’m not strong enough to feel.

I want to tell my counselor. But what do I tell her? How do I even fucking talk? Maybe I’m just making this all up for attention. Maybe I don’t have a problem really. Because if I really was suicidal I would have already killed myself right?

I’m scared. I don’t see anyway forward other than this. I don’t have anyone I can talk to. At the end of the day, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want someone to accept me and not judge me even if I go through with it.

I don’t want to be alone but I’m afraid not to be.

I don’t want people to see me like this.

I’m afraid people will see I’m not strong enough…