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Month: October 2019

Next Steps

Next Steps

I’ve cleaned out most of my office. I’ve decided I’m not coming back. During maternity leave, I’ll look for a new job. If I can’t find another job, then I’ll go through with it. I know people won’t miss me. I’m at peace with the decision. More at peace than I have ever been with it. Everyone will be used to me being MIA from being out on maternity leave. I’ll just become a postpartum statistic. Everyone will think it is postpartum depression. Not many will realize I’ve been dealing with this for decades. That I’ve just given up. That life won’t get better. That one of the things that brought me joy, no longer does. That I feel that I have no purpose in life. That the few things that brought me joy at work have been taken away. I’m ready to be done. I’m tired of being yelled at at home. I’m tired of putting on a happy face for everyone when I really feel like crying. The kids will be better off without me. Erik will be better off without me. Everyone will be better off without me. Erik can move wherever he wants and use my insurance money to pay off the van and house. Everyone would be better off without me.
I’m worn and tired and can’t hang on any longer. I’ve got to think of others. How better off they would be without me.
I’ve paused counseling. I might just not go back. That way the counselor won’t be in any trouble. And honestly I don’t want to hurt her. Sometimes I wonder if she cares about me more than a lot of friends and family do. I’m not sure why anyone would care about me. Seems like a waste to me.
I’m supposed to be happy. I’m having a baby. Everyone says I look so good. I just want to die.