Alone

Another night crying. E and I got in a big argument on Sunday. I told him I would be happy to talk when he was calm. He threw that back in my face, said that was the professionals talking. That he should have never went to the counselor I chose.

That night he was talking to someone for hours. The whole conversation revolved around how horrible of a wife I am. He pretty much said that since I am still going to counseling and he doesn’t have to that the problems lie with me.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe everything is all my fault. Maybe I will never succeed. Maybe no one will ever want to be my friend. Maybe I should just accept that I’m unloveable and move on.

I feel trapped. At this point I have to stay alive. Killing myself would involve killing another human being. I can’t do that.

I don’t know who I can talk to. I’m alone. I’m scared. I just want someone to hold me and tell me things will get better. They won’t. I know that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to turn to.

Please take me home…

“God, I’m alone and tired. Please take me home.” I prayed through tears tonight. Over and over. Two hours worth of tears and they are still falling. I’m falling fast, with no one to catch me. But it’s ok. I want to ride this ride to the end. I want to be done.

This feeling is normal. Not being able to breathe from the stuffiness of crying. Loneliness. Knowing that if I died in my sleep tonight, no one would care. This is me. The sunshiny person isn’t me. It’s just my mask so no one will see the absolute chaotic inside.

Dinner lays untouched on the counter. I made it this time at least but couldn’t bring myself to eat it. I shouldn’t be skipping meals, but I just can’t eat.

I’m not strong. Who was I kidding? Sunshine is no longer here. It’s just me. And I’m all alone in the sadness. I desperately just want someone to hold me while I cry. Someone to hug me close and tell me it will be ok. But you know what? It won’t be ok. It would all just be a lie. A postponement of the inevitable. I’m not going to get better. I’m a failure. I’m a horrible person and nothing but a failure. I can’t even be happy right.

I can’t kill myself now. I feel trapped. Nothing will get better and I have no way out. I’m all alone to face this.

People don’t understand. No one ever will. I can’t explain the feelings. I can’t explain the complete loneliness. I can’t explain the despair. I can’t explain the extent of hopelessness. I can’t explain the mental anguish.

I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard? I think I know why. I’m a horrible person.