The next session with the couples tomorrow we are supposed to talk about my husband working on my parent’s house. What I want to talk about? I want to talk about E’s jealousy of me. I want to be able to talk about stuff with him without him putting me or whomever I’m talking about down. I want to be able to ask for help without him telling me that I make more money and should know that. I want to be able to come to him about whatever and not be afraid of the reaction I’ll get. I want to talk to him and him not retreat into the bedroom because someone is encouraging me to apply for a job. I want to be able to make a mistake and not be afraid of him. I want to be able to find his shit without him accusing me of taking it. The question is… will I have the confidence to talk about all this?
The individual session will be hard. Really hard. I’m going to try to talk about something I haven’t been able to talk about ever. I’ve only told a few people in my life. I’m afraid of saying everything out loud. I’m afraid of facing and dealing with the truth about what happened. I’m scared quite a bit. But in some ways want desperately to work through this.
I made it through my husband’s birthday, the day I had planned on killing myself. As everyone (or no one) breathes a sigh of relief, I don’t know what to do.
I’m literally tired of/from crying, but don’t have the strength to get better. No one will care if I die. No one. I’m all alone. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I just want to matter to someone. In a twisted way I just want someone to miss me when I’m gone.
I’m distancing myself from the one close real life friend I can talk to. I don’t want to hurt the friend if I go through with it. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.
I’m supposed to do evidence for/against being unloveable for counseling. I have a ton of evidence for being unloveable but can’t think of a reason to put down for being loveable. I can’t even do a counseling assignment right.
I wish I would have the courage to go through with killing myself. I wish someone would be with me when I do it so I wasn’t so alone. I know that would be so cruel to the other person, so I will have to be alone.
This is the last New Years. And with that brings only nine more days I have to get through.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of reaching out to others just to be hurt terribly. I’m tired of trusting. I don’t want friends anymore. I guess it doesn’t even matter. No one wants to be friends with me. I’m completely alone. It’s too late anyway. I only have nine more days left.
My husband’s counselor pretty much said that he didn’t need counseling. He will see him infrequently… About once a month. Pretty much seems like everything is my fault with this. I’m a horrible person.
I matter to no one. No one will care if I die. No one loves me. It makes stopping the pain easier.
I feel like I’m just going through the motions now. Like I’m just doing what I have to do to get by, to make it to the next day, knowing I’m almost to the finish line.