Awake

I lie here awake in bed waiting for something I know won’t happen, but still holding out hope that it will. Tears replace much needed sleep. I lie here awake planning out my last day.

I started taking my Zoloft again. I thought it would help with the depression. To some extent it has. I remember the issue with taking it though.

It makes me scarily ok with suicide. Like I’ve accepted this is ok. The anxiety and fear surrounding it is gone, just as the anxiety and fear surrounding a lot of things is gone. The last time I was going to do it, I got so very close. I had said good byes. The knife was there. I was by myself. All I had to do was push down and I would have been free. Why didn’t I have that courage? Why did I decide to turn around and go back inside? This time hopefully the anxiety of it will be gone and I’ll have the courage.

I don’t know if I’ve felt this is the correct path forward more than I ever have now. I know this is what I have to do. I’m not depressed. I’m not anxious. I’m not fearful.

Just because I look back on a life full of pain and say that it’s not worth living anymore doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It means I’ve given up on people. It means I’ve given up on life. It means I’ve given up.

I have nothing more left to give to society. I’m worthless. No one would notice my being gone. If they do, then ultimately they would be better off without me. This is a good thing.

In a month and two days I will go through with it. I’m starting to interview to change jobs but I wonder what the point is. Is it just a waste of time to try to move when I don’t even want to live? If I’m going to kill myself I want my life insurance policy to pay out. Usually there is a waiting period on suicide. The one I’m under now, I’ve met that waiting period. If I move jobs I’ll have to wait another five years for the life insurance to cover it. I can’t get through another five years. I need this to happen now.

Why is it considered ok to kill an unborn baby but I’d be considered crazy for killing myself? Why can’t I be granted that power without being looked down upon? I guess it doesn’t matter. No one cares anyway. This will be no different.

E will be happy. Everyone will be happy that I’m gone.

I just want to be held right now. I want someone to tell me through my tears that I mattered. That they still love me even though I’m not strong enough to do this. To do something everyone else gets through so easily… to live. That even though I’m a failure, I’m still loved.

I need to talk to someone badly. But I don’t know who anymore. Everyone gets frustrated listening to me since I never get better. I wish the tears would stop. I wish life would stop.

I’m scared. I’m alone.

If I didn’t reach out to people to stay in touch no one would do the same to me. No one, but two people, would check on me. I wonder how long I’ll be dead before people realize that I’m gone? Will they ever realize I’m gone? Or am I just a shadow to everyone? Hidden in the darkness…

12/05/2018

I want to slip out of this world quietly.

I want someone to hug me one last time. Someone to tell me that I mattered to someone. That the pain I go through living was worth it to someone.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to have eternal rest. I’m tired. There’s no amount of sleep that will help.

I’m scared of living. I’m scared of dying. God help me, I know what the next step has to be. Please don’t judge me or my family for it.

I’m alone in the pain. I don’t have anyone I can have a candid conversation with about this. Even if I did, I’m afraid that there’s not much they can say to convince me otherwise. And I don’t want another person to feel guilty for not being able to save me. So I have to do this alone.

Just as I have lived, I shall die…alone.

Counseling

I have another counseling appointment. Truth is, I’m tired of opening up to people. I’m tired of trusting people. She wants me to do individual counseling with another therapist. I have to open up to someone else. I have to put myself out there and hope that I’m accepted. That I won’t be judged.

And at the end of the day, I’m not sure it will change anything. I will still want to die.

Why should I trust when I will still go through with killing myself. I don’t want another person involved. I don’t want another person to feel guilty for not being able to save me. If I push people away and not let them in, then it will be easier to go through with this. And no one will feel guilty for what I did.. there will be no one.