Another last…

I just realized that I said good bye to my sister for the last time earlier today. I wish I would have realized it. I would have hugged her longer. Made sure she knew I loved her. But I didn’t. Next weekend I will say good bye to my mom for the last time. It’s all hitting me that this is the end. When I get home, I’m going to increase the Zoloft to make sure I get through this. In some ways I feel like I’m just going through the motions of the days, counting down until the pain ends. I’m trying to live in the present more, to give the kids extra hugs so they know they are loved. I don’t know how to prepare them for this.

I just want someone to hold me. To hug me. To remind me that I’m loved. To tell me that I matter even if they have told me a thousand times before. I need to hear it again. I don’t think it will save me, but on some level it will bring me peace. And right now I need that.

I have a counseling appointment on Thursday. I have no clue what I want to talk about. In fact I don’t want to talk to her about anything. I don’t want to open up to someone new. I don’t think I can trust again. I’ve been hurt too much. Even the couples counselor I don’t want to talk to.

I just want this to end. I’m tired of fighting.

What happens when you can’t see a future? When every possible outcome you don’t want to (or can’t) live through? When the one outcome you want you can’t have?

I’m scared by the feelings. I’m getting closer and closer to going through with it. I have a little less than two weeks left here on Earth. I’ll ring in the New Year one more time. Eleven more days. I plan on taking the day off sick. I’m not sure when during the course of the day I will do it. I won’t take my phone with me. I will leave a note on the kitchen counter. I’ll kiss the kids extra that morning. I’ll tell them good bye for the last time.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. How do you say goodbye? How do you explain the raging intensely sad feelings inside when on the outside you have to be happy? How do you explain to someone who thinks you’re strong that you really aren’t?

Either way I lose. And I can’t take the pain any longer. This way gives my husband and kids more money. They can pay off the house and do things they want to do without me. I’m not needed. I’m expendable. I want this. I need this. Please don’t judge me.

Last Christmas

My last Christmas is complete. This year I feel particularly alone. Like if I wasn’t here, no one would notice. No one would notice me missing. And that’s ok. It makes what is to come easier. It means my death won’t make anyone upset. It means I won’t hurt anyone again.

I’ve started taking my anxiety medicine again. It takes away all anxiety, including the anxiety that comes from dying. So, the anxiety that keeps me alive will be missing. All the times that I haven’t gone through with it, anxiety has been a saviour. Afraid to die, to find out what’s on the other side. However, on the anxiety medicine, suicide is scarily ok. I want that feeling back. I want to go through with it.

It’s bittersweet. I’m finally going to get what I want. But in the process I’ve come to realize just how little my life means. I just wanted to matter to someone. To make someone’s life a little easier to get through. For someone to think of me and wonder how I’m doing out of the blue. But I don’t. And that makes going through with this extremely easy.

I don’t want a funeral. I want to be creamated. I don’t think anyone would come to the funeral anyways. Maybe people who they think they have to but no one because they want to say good bye.

No one knows how much I’m hurting. I can’t show the intensity of it. I don’t want to overwhelm others. I’m so very alone. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of fighting this. I’m just ready to give up.

I have a new counselor. I’ve been to her once. I can tell I’m more of a project to conquer than I am a person with feelings. It’s hard to explain but she’s hard for me to open up to. It’s ok. I don’t want to talk about this anyway. I don’t want someone talking me out of it. I want to go through with it.

I’ve gotten two texts today wishing me Merry Christmas, and one was about as without feeling as you can make Merry Christmas. Typically I go through my list and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. This year I’m not. I’m done. No one wants to hear from me anyways.

I asked a friend to pray for me. I don’t think it will keep me alive. I just want my last couple of weeks to be peaceful.

I’m ready.

I’m sorry.

Last Christmas

No one knows this yet, but this will be my last Christmas. The depression has had its toll on me. I have no real life friends I can trust left. I’ve started back on my anxiety medicine. It will take away the anxiety of going through with it. I will go through with it on my husband’s birthday. Give him the ultimate gift from me … freedom. Freedom to not have to be with me anymore.

I wanted my last Christmas with the kids to be perfect. The gifts I was getting the kids from zulily ended up getting switched up with someone else’s gifts. The majority of the toys the kids were getting aren’t coming. And I found out too late since I had them delivered to my parents instead of our house. So much for a perfect Christmas.

Awake

I lie here awake in bed waiting for something I know won’t happen, but still holding out hope that it will. Tears replace much needed sleep. I lie here awake planning out my last day.

I started taking my Zoloft again. I thought it would help with the depression. To some extent it has. I remember the issue with taking it though.

It makes me scarily ok with suicide. Like I’ve accepted this is ok. The anxiety and fear surrounding it is gone, just as the anxiety and fear surrounding a lot of things is gone. The last time I was going to do it, I got so very close. I had said good byes. The knife was there. I was by myself. All I had to do was push down and I would have been free. Why didn’t I have that courage? Why did I decide to turn around and go back inside? This time hopefully the anxiety of it will be gone and I’ll have the courage.

I don’t know if I’ve felt this is the correct path forward more than I ever have now. I know this is what I have to do. I’m not depressed. I’m not anxious. I’m not fearful.

Just because I look back on a life full of pain and say that it’s not worth living anymore doesn’t mean I’m crazy. It means I’ve given up on people. It means I’ve given up on life. It means I’ve given up.

I have nothing more left to give to society. I’m worthless. No one would notice my being gone. If they do, then ultimately they would be better off without me. This is a good thing.

In a month and two days I will go through with it. I’m starting to interview to change jobs but I wonder what the point is. Is it just a waste of time to try to move when I don’t even want to live? If I’m going to kill myself I want my life insurance policy to pay out. Usually there is a waiting period on suicide. The one I’m under now, I’ve met that waiting period. If I move jobs I’ll have to wait another five years for the life insurance to cover it. I can’t get through another five years. I need this to happen now.

Why is it considered ok to kill an unborn baby but I’d be considered crazy for killing myself? Why can’t I be granted that power without being looked down upon? I guess it doesn’t matter. No one cares anyway. This will be no different.

E will be happy. Everyone will be happy that I’m gone.

I just want to be held right now. I want someone to tell me through my tears that I mattered. That they still love me even though I’m not strong enough to do this. To do something everyone else gets through so easily… to live. That even though I’m a failure, I’m still loved.

I need to talk to someone badly. But I don’t know who anymore. Everyone gets frustrated listening to me since I never get better. I wish the tears would stop. I wish life would stop.

I’m scared. I’m alone.

If I didn’t reach out to people to stay in touch no one would do the same to me. No one, but two people, would check on me. I wonder how long I’ll be dead before people realize that I’m gone? Will they ever realize I’m gone? Or am I just a shadow to everyone? Hidden in the darkness…

12/05/2018

I want to slip out of this world quietly.

I want someone to hug me one last time. Someone to tell me that I mattered to someone. That the pain I go through living was worth it to someone.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to have eternal rest. I’m tired. There’s no amount of sleep that will help.

I’m scared of living. I’m scared of dying. God help me, I know what the next step has to be. Please don’t judge me or my family for it.

I’m alone in the pain. I don’t have anyone I can have a candid conversation with about this. Even if I did, I’m afraid that there’s not much they can say to convince me otherwise. And I don’t want another person to feel guilty for not being able to save me. So I have to do this alone.

Just as I have lived, I shall die…alone.

Counseling

I have another counseling appointment. Truth is, I’m tired of opening up to people. I’m tired of trusting people. She wants me to do individual counseling with another therapist. I have to open up to someone else. I have to put myself out there and hope that I’m accepted. That I won’t be judged.

And at the end of the day, I’m not sure it will change anything. I will still want to die.

Why should I trust when I will still go through with killing myself. I don’t want another person involved. I don’t want another person to feel guilty for not being able to save me. If I push people away and not let them in, then it will be easier to go through with this. And no one will feel guilty for what I did.. there will be no one.