Opening Up

It’s been rough. I am spiraling into depression. Hell, I’ve been here forever. I feel like I stay at rock bottom. I’m thinking about going back to counseling; at least then I will have someone to open up to.

I texted one of the bosses at work how I would go about going to counseling without my direct supervisor knowing. She gave me a long answer, including possibly going on FMLA. She ended the text with stay healthy. I responded back that healthy was a dream; I just want to want to live. I never heard a response back from her. I thought I had upset her; crossed some boundary I shouldn’t have. I made a mental note not to talk about it again with her. That was Sunday night.

Thursday I went in to talk to her about something else. Going back to college came up. I mentioned I wanted to go into psychology and be a counselor. Apparently this reminded her that she had called the clinic and gotten suicide hotline numbers for me. I had a meeting I had to go to, but I thanked her for the information. I wish I could have talked to her longer. I told her I was fine, but I wasn’t. I wish I had the nerve to tell her how scared I am. I wish I could talk to her about the conflict in my head. I wish I could tell her how intensely scared I am. I wish I could tell her the feelings are transitioning from wanting to die to wanting to kill myself.

I don’t know what to do. No one would miss me. No one would care.