Browsed by
Month: September 2015



I started taking my medicine again. It screws with my memory but I have to have some relief. It makes me sleepy but doesn’t keep me asleep. So I’m awake like every hour or so. 

The thing about this… I honestly don’t want to get better. I want to go through this. I finally have the courage (I think) to do this. I don’t want anything to stand in the way of peace. 
As I say this I know that I probably won’t do this right either – that I would pretty much screw this up. I feel so trapped. Can’t move. Alone. 
Alone and Afraid

Alone and Afraid

The days are getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I’m starting to realize that things won’t get better. That life won’t get better. 

Someone told me tonight that there is always hope.  I don’t feel it. I want to go through with dying. I want to stop the pain. I want the journey of life to be over. 

Very few people get how I feel. Very few people understand. All these people want me to stay alive though. They don’t understand the feelings. They don’t understand the pain I’m in.  I just want all the feelings to stop. I’m scared and alone. 

Things are getting worse with Erik. I always seem to be doing something wrong. Something to get yelled at for. To him I’m such a horrible wife. I feel like that all the time. I feel like everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here.  Even if I broke up with him no one would want me. I’m ugly. I’m socially inept. Why would anyone want to be near me at alll. I’m scare and alone. 

I wish I could talk to my counselor from college again.  Though I’m ashamed at where I’m at. I can’t even be happy right. I’m so stupid I can’t do this right. I’m alone and afraid. 
My uncle…

My uncle…

I still can hear my mom say the words… Your uncle died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I wasn’t terribly close. I mean we visited but he wasn’t my best friend. The way he died … 

Helł, I’ve been through my fair share of suicidal times. I know head wise that there was nothing I could have done. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent his death. But still I wonder why I didn’t see what was going on… I mean wouldn’t a person who has struggled with suicidal feelings for 25 years be able to pick out someone who is dealing with it?
My husband claims he wasn’t depressed that it was medical issues that led him to kill himself. Basically he didn’t want to fight the cancer. So either he was lying when he told us all what the prognosis was (he was stage 0) or he was fighting depression. I’m thinking he was depressed. I’m tired of my husband putting words in other people’s mouths telling them what he thinks. 
So why didn’t I see it?  Was I too wrapped up in my own life to care?  I was too busy to stop by and see him. I was too busy to shoot him a simple email asking how he was doing. And now… He’s dead. 
And I’m such a horrible person… Because while I’m sorry he went through everything he did and thought things were so hopeless he had to kill himself… I’m jealous and mad. I want to die more than anything. I want to kill myself and he was able to go through with it. And my mom is so upset that I hate going through with it myself also. 
But honestly, that’s where I am.  I’m more scared than I’ve ever been. And like I’ve said I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’m afraid this is the last chance I will get to go through with it. Anything past this and Samantha might remember me. And I don’t want her to. I don’t want to burden her with my memory.   So it’s this year or I have to live out the rest of my life. I can’t do this any longer. 25 years of the pain is enough. 
I’m a couple months out so I’m going to start writing good bye notes, preparing my funeral wishes. It shouldn’t take long to do all that.  No one will really miss me. So who do I say good bye to?  And I don’t want a funeral.  I don’t want an expensive party that no one shows up to.  And the few that do show up is out of obligation and not because they care. 
I’m done with this life. Honestly, I just wish I could tell someone … So the burden isn’t so heavy. I have no one to trust at this point. The one person I do trust with this I’ve leaned on too much. I don’t want to bother him with this. 
I have to be a big girl and deal with this alone. I can’t admit what I’m planning otherwise I will be stopped. No one will understand. I’d just be some horrible person that was selfish. That’s all I am. A selfish ass. A selfish ass that is hurting terribly inside. 
Confession #436.56b (yes I made up that number)… I stopped taking my medicine. I know in a way that is one of the reasons I feel like I do. However, like I said earlier I don’t want anything to stand in my way. I don’t want to feel better momentarily just to be thrown back in the grips of depression afterwards. I want the courage and motivation to go through with this. I don’t need an unnatural high to postpone the inevitable. 
65 Days

65 Days

I fell down the steps this morning. My sister asked what happened and my husband responded that I was staring at my phone and not paying attention and fell down the stairs. When I said I wasn’t even looking at my phone, and the stairs were slippery he then said it was because I hadn’t vaccummed. It’s always my fault with him. I can never do anything right. I’m a horrible person. I get it. And I deserve it. I deserve it every time I get yelled at. I deserve to cry. I deserve to be alone. 

Putting on a smile is getting tiring. I can’t keep this up any longer. I can’t pretend I’m someone who I’m not.  And I don’t want the questions from others… What’s wrong… Why am I not smiling?  i have the perfect life. I have no reason to be unhappy. 

I keep trying to decide. Is this really what I want… After this weekend, I think I’m at peace with my decision. In a way, I wish there was another way, but this is the only way. 

My husband loves my sister. He lights up with her around. I’m around for the sex and paycheck, and that’s it. He wants to be with her. It gets more and more apparent every time I see him with her.  I‘m not going to stand in the way. 

I don’t believe in divorce. Even if I did, I don’t think I could be alone. No one would want to be with me. I’m a horrible person. I’m fat and ugly. I wouldn’t want anyone’s pity for having a failed marriage. And I can’t do these sleepless nights where I just want to cry… Or more recently where I can’t stop crying. 
I see no other way out than this. Erik will get the insurance money. He can pay off the house. Or use it to buy something better. My sister can move in with him. Samantha will be happy with her around and won’t need me. And better yet, I’ll be at peace. A peace I haven’t completely known for… Well, forever. 
I can’t think of one person who would miss me. Everyone would turn out for the better. 
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I’m terrified. What happens when you die?  Does everything just stop?  Will things get better?  Will I really be at peace?  Or will I just go to hell for being such a bad person?  I can’t imagine God would want someone like me. Will Hell be better?  At this point I’m not sure I care, as long as I’m away from here. 
I don’t want to die alone. But I suppose I deserve to die as I have lived. I’m a horrible person and no one deserves to have to be around me.