I still can hear my mom say the words… Your uncle died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I wasn’t terribly close. I mean we visited but he wasn’t my best friend. The way he died …
Helł, I’ve been through my fair share of suicidal times. I know head wise that there was nothing I could have done. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent his death. But still I wonder why I didn’t see what was going on… I mean wouldn’t a person who has struggled with suicidal feelings for 25 years be able to pick out someone who is dealing with it?
My husband claims he wasn’t depressed that it was medical issues that led him to kill himself. Basically he didn’t want to fight the cancer. So either he was lying when he told us all what the prognosis was (he was stage 0) or he was fighting depression. I’m thinking he was depressed. I’m tired of my husband putting words in other people’s mouths telling them what he thinks.
So why didn’t I see it? Was I too wrapped up in my own life to care? I was too busy to stop by and see him. I was too busy to shoot him a simple email asking how he was doing. And now… He’s dead.
And I’m such a horrible person… Because while I’m sorry he went through everything he did and thought things were so hopeless he had to kill himself… I’m jealous and mad. I want to die more than anything. I want to kill myself and he was able to go through with it. And my mom is so upset that I hate going through with it myself also.
But honestly, that’s where I am. I’m more scared than I’ve ever been. And like I’ve said I’ve felt this way for a long time. I’m afraid this is the last chance I will get to go through with it. Anything past this and Samantha might remember me. And I don’t want her to. I don’t want to burden her with my memory. So it’s this year or I have to live out the rest of my life. I can’t do this any longer. 25 years of the pain is enough.
I’m a couple months out so I’m going to start writing good bye notes, preparing my funeral wishes. It shouldn’t take long to do all that. No one will really miss me. So who do I say good bye to? And I don’t want a funeral. I don’t want an expensive party that no one shows up to. And the few that do show up is out of obligation and not because they care.
I’m done with this life. Honestly, I just wish I could tell someone … So the burden isn’t so heavy. I have no one to trust at this point. The one person I do trust with this I’ve leaned on too much. I don’t want to bother him with this.
I have to be a big girl and deal with this alone. I can’t admit what I’m planning otherwise I will be stopped. No one will understand. I’d just be some horrible person that was selfish. That’s all I am. A selfish ass. A selfish ass that is hurting terribly inside.
Confession #436.56b (yes I made up that number)… I stopped taking my medicine. I know in a way that is one of the reasons I feel like I do. However, like I said earlier I don’t want anything to stand in my way. I don’t want to feel better momentarily just to be thrown back in the grips of depression afterwards. I want the courage and motivation to go through with this. I don’t need an unnatural high to postpone the inevitable.