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Month: July 2015

No title tonight

No title tonight

My sister’s time here for the summer comes to an end on Thursday. I’m going to miss having her here in some ways, in other ways will be glad to see her go. 

E loves my sister. If I didn’t know better I would say he loves her more than me. He wants to take baths with her. He wants to snuggle with her.  He wants to talk to her.  He wants to be with her. 
If he talks to me, he claims he doesn’t understand any thing I say. I constantly have to repeat myself because I’m not clear.  He argues with me just to argue with me or he claims he doesn’t hear me or he is thinking and doesn’t want to bother with me. I can’t talk to him anymore. It is too much of a chore. The only time he seems to want to be close to me is when he is crunching on chips and that is typically right in my ear. And he knows that annoys me. Most of the rest of the time he is opposite side of the sofa. He doesn’t seem to want to be with me. 
Can I blame him?  My sister is cuter. She has bigger boobs. Apparently she is funner to be with. I’m just me. No one cares about me. I have nothing going for me. No good attributes. I’m just here. A big blob. I don’t blame him. 
I keep thinking everyone’s life would be so much better without me in it. If I died then my life insurance could go to paying off the house. E wouldn’t have to work where he is so he wouldn’t be as unhappy. My sister could marry him. S wouldn’t ever know the difference. They could just tell her my sister was her mom.   I’m not needed as much as everyone thinks I am. 
With my uncle killing himself though I can’t kill myself and make it obvious suicide. I think my mom wouldn’t make it through that. However I think she would be ok if I just died. Just can’t be at my hands. You know single person car wreck. Something like that. I don’t want to take anyone else with me. 
I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. Probably because I am. The only person who cares about me is S. And she is young enough she will forget about me in no time. I don’t know what to do. Where to go. How to get through this. 
I know I will go to hell if I go through this. Quite frankly I feel like I already am in hell.  I’m scared.  
As stupid as this sounds, I really wish someone would hold me while I cry. I wish someone would be there when I died so I wouldn’t have to go through it all by myself. I guess whoever did though would get in trouble. So I have to die as I have lived. Alone. 
I wish more than anything to be able to talk this out candidly with someone. No fear of being hospitalized. No fear of someone preventing me from carrying out whatever decision I make. No fear of a lost friendship or judgement. That just can’t happen. So again, I’m alone in my feelings. I’m alone in life. And I can’t stop crying. 
Very few people in my real life know this time. I’m ashamed. I was doing so good. I feel like I have let everyone down. I’m a failure. 
Hard time

Hard time

My husband loves my sister. As in really loves her. I’ve given up on being his only love. Honestly acceptance of him not loving me is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Acceptance of a failed relationship isn’t as easy though. I don’t want to stay with him. If he wants to be with my sister than I’m all for it. In fact her being here has meant that my summer has gone so much better. He is putting all his focus on her instead of trying to figure out everything I’m doing wrong. Not near as many arguments this way. I’d be happy if she lived with us for that reason only. 

And this is the point that I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe in divorce. And I’m not really sure that it’s crossed the line where I want to get a divorce. If I knew my sister would marry him if I did then I probably would. I don’t want to see him alone. 
I’m torn. I have no clue what to do. The only other option… Well besides staying with him… Is suicide. I’m already planning that. Nov 10 can’t come quick enough. I’m going to start cutting back on food. I want this more than anything. I don’t want to live anymore. While my husband’s relationship might be part of the cause it isn’t the only reason. 
More than anything I don’t want to face the feelings I have for someone else. I don’t know how to move past this. Even if I went through divorce I have no shot with this guy. He is way out of my league. 
I’m so alone. And afraid. Less than four more months now. And I’m free. 
Reality setting in…

Reality setting in…

At some point the pain stops, right?  I wake up one morning and I’m happy… 

I’m having such a hard time accepting that I have to live my life like this. But I feel trapped and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. I’ve dealt with this just about my entire life. But it doesn’t get any easier. In fact, it gets more helpless and harder. And more lonely. 

Not many people know this time.  I haven’t told my husband how I feel. I don’t want him to know what kind of person I am. How horrible I am. 

Most think that every thing is OK now. That I’ve recovered. Honestly that’s how I want it to be. I’m not sure I want help this time. I’ve done that. It didn’t work. It landed me right back here. 
The high after the little one was good but reality has set back in. The reality that I’m not good enough to be happy. That I deserve to live like this. That I don’t deserve happiness. That I don’t deserve life. 
My Uncle

My Uncle

My uncle died nearly two weeks ago. We were preparing to go on vacation.  We were to leave to go to KS on Saturday and then to Colorado on Monday. Then back to kansas in time for the fourth of July festivities and fair. 

Tuesday night my mom called and told us that my uncle had died from a self inflicted gun shot wound. The sentence is still haunting on so many levels.  
We weren’t particularly close by any means. We saw each other a couple times a year. We were Facebook friends. Beyond that he kept up with us through my mom who talked to him every night. I will miss him. But honestly this is more about the suicide than about losing my uncle. 
My plan was to take my life on my birthday in 127 days barring I don’t get pregnant before then. I don’t know what to do now. In a way I’m jealous.  He was more courageous than me. He did something I haven’t had the courage to do.  

I’m not killing myself for attention but to get rid of the pain and struggles I deal with every day. No one understands.  No one understands the physical and emotional pain of depression. And I feel so ashamed because I can’t do something as simple as being happy right. I feel so alone. The friends I used to be able to talk to about this have gotten tired of putting up with me. If I was my friend I would be too. 

But now my mom has enough to deal with because of my Uncle’s death. Regardless of what I may think the initial death thing is a big deal. Funerals, wills — all of it has to be taken care of. I don’t know if she is strong enough to take my death so soon after.  But I don’t know that I am strong enough to live much longer.  And so I’m stuck, alone and afraid.