My sister’s time here for the summer comes to an end on Thursday. I’m going to miss having her here in some ways, in other ways will be glad to see her go.
E loves my sister. If I didn’t know better I would say he loves her more than me. He wants to take baths with her. He wants to snuggle with her. He wants to talk to her. He wants to be with her.
If he talks to me, he claims he doesn’t understand any thing I say. I constantly have to repeat myself because I’m not clear. He argues with me just to argue with me or he claims he doesn’t hear me or he is thinking and doesn’t want to bother with me. I can’t talk to him anymore. It is too much of a chore. The only time he seems to want to be close to me is when he is crunching on chips and that is typically right in my ear. And he knows that annoys me. Most of the rest of the time he is opposite side of the sofa. He doesn’t seem to want to be with me.
Can I blame him? My sister is cuter. She has bigger boobs. Apparently she is funner to be with. I’m just me. No one cares about me. I have nothing going for me. No good attributes. I’m just here. A big blob. I don’t blame him.
I keep thinking everyone’s life would be so much better without me in it. If I died then my life insurance could go to paying off the house. E wouldn’t have to work where he is so he wouldn’t be as unhappy. My sister could marry him. S wouldn’t ever know the difference. They could just tell her my sister was her mom. I’m not needed as much as everyone thinks I am.
With my uncle killing himself though I can’t kill myself and make it obvious suicide. I think my mom wouldn’t make it through that. However I think she would be ok if I just died. Just can’t be at my hands. You know single person car wreck. Something like that. I don’t want to take anyone else with me.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. Probably because I am. The only person who cares about me is S. And she is young enough she will forget about me in no time. I don’t know what to do. Where to go. How to get through this.
I know I will go to hell if I go through this. Quite frankly I feel like I already am in hell. I’m scared.
As stupid as this sounds, I really wish someone would hold me while I cry. I wish someone would be there when I died so I wouldn’t have to go through it all by myself. I guess whoever did though would get in trouble. So I have to die as I have lived. Alone.
I wish more than anything to be able to talk this out candidly with someone. No fear of being hospitalized. No fear of someone preventing me from carrying out whatever decision I make. No fear of a lost friendship or judgement. That just can’t happen. So again, I’m alone in my feelings. I’m alone in life. And I can’t stop crying.
Very few people in my real life know this time. I’m ashamed. I was doing so good. I feel like I have let everyone down. I’m a failure.