144 days

I feel like shit. All the time. Someone today told me this too shall pass. While it’s a comforting thought, I stopped believing that a long time ago. What’s the point?  I honestly have no hope anymore. I’m scared and don’t want to continue on. And while I don’t really have anyone to turn to anymore it’s better to distance myself. Be completely alone. Then people won’t ask questions. That’s when I seem to get in trouble a lot. I’m scared and alone. And I can’t even seem to make complete thoughts anymore…

Selfish

I’m tired. I feel like crap. I really could use some sleep… But I can’t sleep. My brain won’t shut down but I can’t concentrste enough to do any work. 

I still want to die. People don’t understand being so depressed that living to the next day seems overwhelming. People think that those of us who want to kill ourselves are selfish. But just as people with terminal illnesses, we just want the pain to stop. I don’t care whether I go to hell, I just want the pain to stop. 
There’s no one I can talk to about this. No one that would understand the weight of the emptiness. The complete feelings of loneliness. The knowing it won’t get better tomorrow. 
I shouldn’t feel like this. I have a husband  and a sweet little girl. Everything that a person would want. I feel selfish, that I don’t have the right to feel like this. 
And I’m still alone and depressed… And want to die. 

Mentor

I was called up and asked yesterday to be a mentor for one of the new employees that are brought in as entry level. Apparently the director of HR recommended me. Interestingly enough it’s not like I know her. I’m guessing that the talk of my boss trying to get me an increase of pay made her think of me. So I’m part of the way take aback by it half way honored. 

And of course my husband has to chime in that the same lady who won’t give me more money is the same one who recommended me for more work. 
Honestly I don’t care either way. It sounds like a lot of fun and a way to make a difference in a young professional’s life. 
I am scared of failing. Trusting isn’t my strong suit. Neither is the social scene. I just feel inadequate when it comes to socialization. And what happens if I give bad advice and screw something up?