This year our vacation was a long one- ended up taking seven days off of work to go (consequently, I don’t want to go back to work). We went to Cuchara, CO and then back over to Kansas. We went over with my husband’s family which is always a treat. Colorado was fun- I was afraid though that I wouldn’t be able to go up too high because of altitude sickness but didn’t have any issues with that. I couldn’t breathe very easily so any type of strenuous activity meant I had to take it easy and go slow. So walking up the mountains was hard but walking back down was very easy.
We loved seeing all the wildlife. I got to see mule deer up close, pronghorn deer, and a variety of birds. We were disappointed that we didn’t get to see any bear in the wild- but that just means we have to go back someday and try to track one down. There were several birds I’d never seen before that I got to see over there – a magpie for one. Yes, I know those are nuisance birds, but still I had never seen one in person in the wild. There were humming bird feeders there so we could watch the hummingbirds hang out and play. There was one that spent his day watching the other hummingbirds and chasing them away when they got too close to the feeder.
It was very cool in Colorado and rained nearly every day. Jeans were definitely in order there. The cabin we stayed in was comfortable. It had 4 different beds plus several pull out sofas. Two full and one half bath so that was pretty cool. It didn’t have an air conditioner, but you didn’t really need one up there.
Even though I had problems breathing, we were still able to go on several hikes together. I had an overall awesome time hanging out with family
After the Colorado part of the trip we came back over to Kansas. No steep mountain trails to hike- which is probably a good thing because it has been HOT. We’ve been hanging out with my husband’s family just relaxing from the Colorado trip and from work in general. We’ve done our fair share of fishing and card playing and movie watching. Oh yeah, and eating.
Had a storm roll in while we were here. The storms are cool to watch because you can see them so far away and watch them come in. Brought a little more than half an inch to an area that needs more like three to four inches at least to get everything going again. At first it was a bunch of lightning and no rain. Lightning hit a field and started a big fire fast. Then the rain came and put the fire out. Still scared me though as we have had to evacuate our house before because of a fire when I was growing up.
And, I know everyone will think I’m crazy, but I got to line dry my clothes. Can’t do that at home… so I get sweet smelling Kansas sun and wind dried clothes to wear for a while.
Have you ever though about dying? Like what it’s like to go through the process of actually dying and then crossing over. Is there a God, and how will I be judged? I’ve always maintained that I don’t know that but that I just got to live my life the best I can.
There are several things that I want to do before dying though. I want to lose weight. So I’ve decided to go on a diet aggressively to try to lose weight so I don’t be fat when I die. I know a stupid concern but still one that concerns me. I only have less than a year to live. Well I only want to live less than a year but don’t know if that is going to be possible.
I also want to read the Bible. And I know a lot of you think that maybe by doing that I will realize the “mistake” of my ways and decide not to go through with it. But I want this to happen. I want to die; the pain is too much to go on.
I would like to give my husband a baby. A child of his very own. That means I need to do it soon if I’m going to meet the deadline I set.
I want this to happen. I’m sure not many people will understand. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking for acceptance. I’m asking that people accept me for who I am. And that the depression is part of who I am. Sometimes the pain is hard. Ok most of the time the pain is hard. A lot of times I don’t really feel like going on to the next day, much less until the date I’ve set.
I am still considering going to a priest to talk or maybe a counselor. I want to talk to a priest because at least then I won’t be hospitalized. I can talk openly with a priest without fear of being hospitalized. I can’t necessarily do that with a counselor.
I can’t say that I’m not scared. I’m scared as hell. I can say though, that I am at peace. The inner pain is real and confusing and intense. I don’t think I have anyone I can really tell. I’m scared that someone will tell. And I want this to happen so much. Pretty soon I will start writing my good bye letters.