Have you ever thought about what it would be like to die? To actually go through whatever pain actually leads to your death. And the life after death? I think about it a lot. I wonder what way I can die and it not hurt a lot… or even what way I can die, and it torture me, like I think I deserve to be.
It’s just about the only thing I think about. I’m starting to make plans. How I will die. Who I will say good bye to. If I will say good bye to anyone.
It’s been made very apparent to me, especially by people at work, that no one wants me around. Everyone is close, as someone told me. So anytime I confide in anyone it will get back to my boss. So basically, I’m the outsider. And I have no hope of being one of the “in” group. I’m a horrible person. I’m not popular. I’m alone. I get it. Honestly, I just want to do my work and not have to deal with anyone anymore. I don’t want to have to worry about whether everyone likes (or hates) me. And I sure as hell don’t want to trust anyone anymore. No one.
I’ve given serious consideration to going back to my counselor. But I don’t want to be “helped”. I don’t want to be convinced otherwise. I want someone who will support me with this decision. Someone that will understand that I’ve been living in hell for over 20 years. That the pain is too much to bear. That I’m physically and mentally tired of living. That will not treat me as someone who is going to get better, but help me through the end of my life. I’m still tempted to talk to a priest. A part of me is afraid I’m not going to be accepted at Church either. Or that the priest will report me. I don’t want to be hospitalized. I sure as hell don’t want to be “saved”.
It’s becoming more and more apparent though. I’m not going to get another job. My death will get my husband the pay off if I stay at the state long enough. I’d prefer to not have to start over again at another company. To go through the two year wait. Right now I have 486 days left. That’s just under a year and a half. My husband’s sixth wedding anniversary will give him the ability to move more easily. Besides that, nothing will change. I’m just a ghost filling a body for a time. I’m scared. But I think I am more afraid if I don’t go through with this