Made Some Hard Decisions

I’ve picked the date.  I’ve struggled with this for a long time.  And I know I’m doing the right thing this time. 

I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides.  That’s $300,000 my husband could use.  Alive, I am worth nothing to no one.  Literally no one cares whether I’m alive.  Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy.  I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him.  The money from my death. 

If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth.  If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best.  I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills.  And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways. 

My original suicide plan from college remains the same.  Starvation.  I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now. 

A year and a half … that’s a lot of time.  I wish it were here now though.  But I have to wait for my husband’s sake.  If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago.  But, alas, I didn’t.  And now I’m miserable for another year and a half.  This is it though, the final date.  I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months.  I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say. 

I’ve thought about going back to a counselor.  Most seem frustrated with me.  I’m not easily “fixed”.  People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it.  And I’m not easily comforted.  I cry alone.  I am alone.  And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me.  I really want it this time.  I’m sorry for being weak.


We got our HVAC system signed off by one of the companies here in Nashville.  It was funny, they came out.  They told my husband we really needed to change out the gas valve.  My husband told him we’d already done that.  So he told my husband we had to change out the pressure valve.  Done that too.  And the circuit board.  Yup done that.  He looks at my husband, well how much did you pay for the circuit board.  Oh, about $90.  Apparently the company charges $600 for that circuit board.  For a $90 part (that they can probably get cheaper) and for about 15 minutes worth of time (and a little time to get there and back).  That’s $500 in labor alone.  For at most, let’s say communte time, diagnosis time about three hours worth of work.  That’s nearly $170/hr.  That’s more than my engineering boss would charge for my services as an engineer by nearly double.  So I go get my MS in engineering, get my license, and an HVAC tech is worth more than me per hour.  I think I went in to the wrong field. 

It’s frustrating.  Seems like everyone does that.  For a somewhat skilled laborer, they get tons of money per hour.  I work my butt off to go through engineering school and get my license (which takes passing two fairly hard tests, by the way) and someone with a tech degree doubles my pay rate.  I must be doing something wrong. 

But, I guess, at least we passed.  The guy signed off.  We paid him $200 for 30 minutes worth of work and no parts used.  Looked it over.  Yup, everything is running correctly.  Yup, we know.  We just need someone with a tech degree in something we have a MS degree in to tell us what we already know.  Thank you… good-bye.




The cabinets have been installed!  It took the installer four days and lots of grumbles but they are through!  We had issues with him, like he didn’t even show up with plans of what everything was supposed to look like.  We had to give him overall floor plans of the kitchen telling what cabinet goes where and then a brochure on the types of stacked molding for the molding on top of our cabinetry.  Whenever we told him to do something, he did it his way.  One of our cabinets was supposed to be recessed in the wall, but he made it even with the other cabinets.  Likely, because it made putting on the crown way easier.  One of our cabinets was also supposed to be moved over an inch to allow more room for a vent.  But, of course he didn’t do that, so now the shoe molding butts up against the vent cover.  When we asked him to drill holes in certain places, he didn’t do that right.  We ended up having electrical in our cabinets running through the toe kick instead of straight up through the cabinet.  The guy didn’t get there until 10-1 every day, and then complained that he had to come out there for a fourth day.  He would call us up at 10:20 in the morning, tell us he is 40 minutes away and then show up at 1.  So, we are glad that is through with, and won’t be going back there for cabinetry when we put in cabinets in our office.

The granite guy came out yesterday to do the templating for the granite.  We go out on Thursday to pick out our granite slab and then they have 21 days from that day to install it.  Hopefully it will be sooner.  We have a few more things to do before we are ready for the countertops like put bead board in one of the cabinets, do some electrical work, drill some holes through one of the cabinets for the dishwasher connections.  But then we get our countertops.  That will be awesome to have a sink back functioning; and a cooktop.  I’m excited.