Surviving my birthday

So I survived my birthday, even though I didn’t really want to.  And most of the time I perk up after my birthday, well not this year.  I’m no more happier to be alive today than I was yesterday or November 9th.  I don’t have any faith that things will get better.  And I no longer really give a damn whether or not my death occurs on my birthday or some other random day.  I wish there was something someone could say to me to make me snap out of whatever is bothering me.  I just haven’t found it yet.  I sit here alone and think would someone really care whether or not I make it to tomorrow?  Why is suicide so bad?  I mean it is my life right?  I know what I do effects others, but who said I wanted to be brought in to this world anyway?  I look at all those who are happy to be here and wonder why I’m not.  What is it that they understand that I don’t?  I just don’t get why everyone is so happy to be alive.  What’s so great about this?  About not wanting to wake up every morning?  What’s so great?  Is it great that I feel like shit everyday?  I just don’t know anymore.  I have too much on my mind between the house, and my sister, and now my mom.  I feel overwhelmed.  If I killed myself than no one would have to worry about me anymore, not like they were worrying before, but you get the picture.  Life would go on without me, much as it did when I was here.  And I would be at peace.  So why is this such a bad thing?  Why is finally putting the pain behind me a bad thing for me to want?  I know people will say I don’t have to die to have the pain go away, but seriously I’ve tried it all before.  I’ve tried putting the past behind me.  I’ve tried the medicines.  I’ve tried getting better.  For some reason, I’m just stupid at that.  And so, I go on, wishing, hoping, begging to die.  But continuing on.    

My mom got fired…

The short story:  So this is what working at the state will get you.  Fired.  If your boss doesn’t like you, you don’t have much of a chance.  If you did your job and told on your boss (then your coworker) then you get fired.  And there’s not a danged thing HR will do to help you.  You work your ass off; while your coworker (now boss) goofs off.  He gets promoted, you lose your job.  And HR claims they can’t help you because you aren’t protected under civil service.  So it’s ok for HR to break the law within the first six months of your employment, just not at any point thereafter.

The long drawn out story (well) not so long or drawn out, just wanted to call it that):  My mom used to work at a treatment facility for youth.  Baby prison for youngsters.  You know the ones that beat the crap out of white folk because they are white, and see no issue with that.  Or the ones that steal stuff.  Or the ones that try to kill others.  You know just the ordinary, not so bad things.  It was going to be closed, because, well it housed around 20-35 girls and cost tons to keep open.  They had sent everyone home with pink slips and then found out that the facility was going to stay open after all.  So they did a mass hiring.  One position they never could get any one qualified in to was that of principal.  My mom worked with about four other teachers there.  One of them had been “let go” of three other school systems.  So of course he was able to get a job at this treatment center for impressionable young folk quite easy.  We are in TN of course.  He was forever getting in to trouble.  Seems he liked to bribe the young folk into liking him with things like candy (contraband – a big no-no), Facebook time, etc.  My mom reported him a few times for the candy and for the Facebook time (did I mention he was in his room alone with these two girls that were supposed to be in her room?).  He seemed to be in more trouble than the kids were.  

Well guess, what, here in TN not only do we hire folks that have been let go in three other jobs into a position at a treatment facility for youth, but by God, we promote their butts.  So he was promoted to head teacher since they couldn’t get a principal out there.  His first order of business:  fire the folks who actually thought he was supposed to do his job.  Because, here in TN we only know how to promote those who don’t do their job.  So within the first week he had fired my mom (apparently people can get paperwork processed pretty quickly here at the state after all).  He also moved around (and fired) security guards who wanted him to do his job correctly.  So at least she wasn’t alone.  There should be a support group for those who have been slighted by the grand headmaster at that treatment facility.

You want to know what really irks me?  These kids are at the facility because they have no concept of right and wrong.  It’s the step before big kid’s prison.  They are impressionable.  And we pay good tax money to keep a facility that is supposed to teach them right from wrong open.  We trust the state to actually hire competent people into positions.  We trust them to do the right thing.  We trust too blindly.  The people who fought to keep it open don’t give a rat’s behind about the progress of it.  Now that we are spending tons of money to keep it going when the economy is bad and the money is needed more in other places, we’re just going to let the place to go to heck.  Because state workers can’t and won’t do anything like work.  
So now the kids are going to think that it’s ok to go to someplace just as good as home and hang out.  I mean with all the perks, what’s the point in being good?  What’s the point in working your fingers to the bone when the rewards for not doing anything or being a heathen are better?  That’s something we got to face as a society.  The times when people are entitled to this or that have to come to an end.  People need to start working hard – everyone.  No more claiming complete disability for a bum knee but go out running every morning.  No more having 3 kids by the time you are 14 just to get the welfare money so you can feed your drug addiction.  I looked at my husband the other day and was like why are we working our butts in to the ground when so many people who do so much less than us are getting money from the government to do nothing?  No not everyone on welfare or whatever are out to the cheat the system.  Some on disability really do need it.  It seems though that the folks that really do need it are not getting what they need whereas the folks who don’t need it are getting plenty.  

So the moral of today’s story:  working your butt off pays none.

My birthday….

Another day lived; another day I want to die.  My birthday is in let’s see about a week. I don’t want to go through with it.  Literally.  It’s always been really hard for me to get through my birthday.  I’ve always wanted to kill myself on my birthday.  I know.  Morbid.  I have tons to live for.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  I’ve heard it all.  AND I don’t believe it.  I don’t believe anyone would be upset if I didn’t show up to work tomorrow.  I don’t believe anyone would be upset if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.  I know people think I’m crazy for believing that, but quite simply, I do.  I have no doubt in my mind I’m right about it.  Basically no one depends on me to get anything done.  No one gives a shit about me.  It’s a scary place to be.  Left wondering what the point of going on is.  Constantly crying myself to sleep.  Making sure my husband doesn’t notice me crying.  I don’t want questions.  I don’t want to be yelled at.  I’ve given up on counseling. Even if my mom and sister weren’t living with us, I don’t think I would rely on counseling anymore .  Counseling or medications weren’t helping before, why should I think they would help now.  I honestly have no reason to live until tomorrow.  I think right now the only reason why I don’t is because my husband needs my paycheck to help with remodeling the house.  If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be alive right now.  The funny, and scary part, is that I find the place I’m in right now peaceful.  I find the close to the edge feeling so peaceful, like I’m ok with this.  A small part of me is scared, wondering what’s next.  But mostly, I just don’t care.  I have got to take the chance to end the pain.  I know I’m selfish.  I’m a horrible person.  You don’t have to tell me that.  I already KNOW that.  I literally can’t live with myself.  I see no reason why anyone would want to be around me.  I’m alone.  And so very scared.  Scared of living with the feelings for the rest of my life like this.  I once had a friend tell me I needed to make a decision – either live or kill myself- and then stick with it.  My decision now would be the same as it was then, and that is to kill myself.  I wonder how many people would feel guilty that they didn’t reach out to me.  None likely.  I wonder how many people would come to my funeral.  None likely there either.  I seriously want the pain to stop permanently.  There is only one sure fire way to ensure that. Truth be told I think if life insurance would cover suicides right now then I would be dead.  I have a big enough life insurance that if I died, Erik would be well taken care of.  He could get the house fixed up, and just about paid off.  The truck paid off, maybe some extra gun parts for him.  I want this to happen.  I have to keep coverage for a couple of years before they will pay off so I’m stuck here for now.  Lonely afraid and hopeless.

I feel like cutting a lot again.  But I’m afraid of being yelled at.  I long for the release, for the satisfaction of being able to see something physical that hurts.  Something to relate the emotional pain to.  I know that makes no sense, but trust me, it helps in a sick twisted way.