I bought life insurance yesterday. It’s not supposed to start until June I think. And then once it starts, it will take two years of paying in to it before it covers suicide. So I just have to endure for two more years, right? Well two years and a couple of months.
I have enough coverage that by that time, my husband will be able to pay off most of the house along with my funeral. Not all of the house, but most of it. It seems that my life will be worth more by dying in two years. He’ll be able to find someone else to be with. He’s a great guy; he deserves someone better than me.
I start a new antidepressant on Sunday. I’m going to give this six weeks to work, if it doesn’t, then I’m not going back to the psychiatrist. This will be my 14th try at an antidepressant. I’m still trying to figure out if I should go back to my counselor. Honestly, nothing works anymore. And I’m tired of trying to find something that will. I don’t know what else to do, who else to turn to. I have no friends, no one outside of my internet world. And I’m starting to get to the point I just want to block those people out too. I guess I’m alone because I want to be alone. Because I can’t handle people anymore. Tears run so freely, and my thoughts are all jumbled. I’m scared but in a way I’m at peace. Trying to convey these feelings to someone else is really hard. Trying to deal with pain I can’t describe or justify is hard.
My next question is who do I write good bye to when I don’t think anyone will care about my death? Just the thought that no one would care is depressing. I don’t know why the thought is so depressing to me. I’ve lived this way for so much of my life. I’m used to not being cared about, but yet the thought is still hard to deal with.
I’m tired of crying. Tired of wondering when life is going to get better. Just tired of everything, of everybody, and yes, of living.
It’s hard working somewhere that you feel alone at. I feel so alone here. Like if I died no one would care. I feel discluded from everything. When the group goes out to eat, they’ll ask everyone but me. When they bring food to eat, they’ll tell everyone but me. When they are going out somewhere and want to know if anyone would like anything, they’ll tell everyone but me. It’s hard feeling so alone, so left out. It’s one of the reasons why I left the last place I was at. I guess maybe it is me. Maybe I’m just a horrible person that no one likes. I’m just going to go to work everyday, and not care about the social aspect of it. Wake up in the morning, do my work, go home. Rinse and repeat. While everyone sits around and talks and does nothing, I’ll work. I can do this; I’m used to it. Right?
Another thing that is irritating is the fact that there is no room to move up in this section. To move up, I’m going to have to leave this section. I know that as there are other people who have been here longer than me, even though I have more experience and credentials than them, and apparently work harder. As I said, I can do this, I’m used to it… right?
I’m considering not going to my psychiatrist anymore. I already quit my counselor. I don’t see any point. I am not going to get better. This medicine I’m on isn’t working (apparently). I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m so scared and alone. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to turn. I have no one I can talk to, no where I can turn. Even if I had someone I could talk to, I wouldn’t know where even to start. I’m alone, and have no hope of this changing. I just feel like crying constantly.
So first week at work down. Just a gazillion more left to go. Work isn’t too bad. I like the people; the work is okay. My boss seems to be super. It just sucks because I’m way underemployed. I qualify for a manager position, but am two steps below that. It’s just frustrating knowing I can do so much more, and can’t. I doubt whether any openings will surface any time soon; and then even I don’t know if I would have a shot at them. It would be great if I did, but I’m just not sure. I at least get to ride the bus in to work fairly easy, and will be able to do it free once they have all my paperwork processed.
As for the depression. Yeah, that’s no better. I had high hopes for this job. That I would go from being horribly depressed to wanting to live. But, I didn’t. And that in itself is frustrating. I wonder what it will take to snap me out of this. If there is any hope of ever being ok. I’m on meds, and that isn’t helping. I’ve had a major life change, that is way less stressful, and that hasn’t helped. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of wondering when I will get better. I’m tired of going through this day after day. I’m tired of the tears for no reason. I’m tired of wanting to die. Most days I just want to sleep the day away. In fact, the weekends, that is just what I’m doing. And when I come home from work. I have so much stuff to do at home, but I don’t feel like doing it. I have bad headaches most days. I am struggling so bad, and feel so alone.