no title today

It’s hard doing this everyday.  Wondering what the point in living is.  Wondering how long I can keep this up and keep some semblance of sanity.  Most people don’t get how much I struggle.  In some ways, I wish they would take a walk in my shoes for a couple of days, to feel the feelings I do.  To have to then explain the feelings to others who can’t or don’t want to understand what I’m going through.  To have to put on a smile for the boss or the husband or the family when all you feel like doing is crying.  To hold back the tears when they flow so freely.  In other ways, though, I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.  What good would having someone else feel this… well, besides then knowing I’m not alone. 

 I’m back to wishing more than anything just to have someone hold me while I cry.  Yes, I am a loser because I just want someone to hold me when I cry.  It’s so hard when things get to the point where I’m crying.  I just feel so empty, so alone (and yes, I know what the answer is… God is with you, you aren’t alone…)  Unfortunately, it’s hard enough to grasp at things I can see during this time, and things I KNOW during this time, like what my friggin’ name is, that grasping at the concept that God loves someone like me is hard.  Which, by the way, is why my phone is full of Christian music to help me through these times.  I’ve learned that the likelihood of me breaking down around someone who gives a flip about me is slim, so I don’t expect the hugs. 

 I wish I could find something to take the edge off; something to give me a bit of peace in my life.  I know I can’t cut; my husband would be mad at me, and rightfully so.  It helps so much though; why I wish I knew.  I’m afraid to drink because if it helps; I can see me becoming an alcoholic real quick.  So, I have to do what I can to get through each moment alive.  Some days it’s more about getting through the day alive then it is what I did with the day. 

Tuesday (that would be tomorrow) is my husband and my third wedding anniversary.  After all this time of knowing him, it still baffles me that someone as good as him would want to be with someone like me. 

sorry

Yesterday was an alright day.  I actually got through the whole day without crying.  I think.  Memories come and go in a blur and sometimes it’s hard to discern whether something happened last year or last hour.  For the most part I can fake my way out of people catching on.  I don’t have the strength or the energy to do that anymore. 

We’re going down to visit my family this weekend.  Next week is dead weekend; I’ve declared.  We’re going to do something together, with no one else involved.  As much as I love everyone, I’ve reached the overstimulation point.  We’ve been going for the last 4-6 weekends, and I desperately need to catch up on chores at home. 

I’ve decided to go on a diet.  This is where it becomes difficult for me.  There are so many times that I get hungry, dizzy hungry, but don’t feel like eating.  It’s hard, but I eat.  I remember in high school my diets consisted basically of me not eating.  It’s a fine line I walk between eating too much and not wanting to eat at all.  So I’m either fat or what seems to be for me, too skinny (even though the doctors thought at this point I was still too fat.  I don’t think 112 at 5’2" when you can see my ribs is too fat).  I can tell it’s going to be too easy for me just not to eat. 

I’m tired of this roller coaster ride of emotions.  I’m tired of not knowing whether the next moment will bring a big drop in mood.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m free falling so much of the time.  I’m tired of fighting the tears so no one knows how I feel.  I’m tired of alot of the people who know dismissing the extent of the depression.  "Just do this this and this and voila you’re cured."  "No, you’re wrong, it is just that easy, you’re just too dumb/weak/put proper insult here to figure it out." 

So, I’m sorry if I can’t muster up a smile at someone.  I’m sorry if I seem tired all the time.  I do my best to get by.  I wish I could do more fore people.

tomorrow

I have a counseling appointment tomorrow, and haven’t come up with a topic I want to talk about.  What do I talk about when I don’t believe I have a chance of getting better?  Why the heck can’t I stop crying?

 

It’s hard to keep going back to counseling every other week when I don’t believe I have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting better.  I’m exhausted from trying to fight this.  EXHAUSTED.  I think I could sleep for several days on end.  I have to keep moving, keep working, keep doing what is normal.  I get less questions that way.  The more people that know, the more people that think I’m completely crazy. 

I used to think there was some reason for going through the depression.  That going through this would help someone else.  Anything to justify having to deal with the pain.  I’m not sure what I believe anymore.  Supposedly this isn’t a punishment for something I’ve done wrong.  Supposedly.  As I said before I don’t know what to believe. 

 

I’m starting to run out of things to grasp on to.  Now I stay alive to help pay the bills.  What happens when I don’t have that to hold on to anymore (yes, I know, potentially that will be a very long time).  But what happens?  What will keep me going then?

  

Sometimes I wish I would have listened to the counselors who told me that I needed to be hospitalized.  Maybe I would be leading a very different life right now.  Maybe.  But I couldn’t, and still can’t, risk having everyone know.  What would I tell current / future employers why I’ve been gone for a month of my life without working?  What would I tell family… and supposed friends?  As much as I long for peace and rest, I can’t risk everything else.  I have to keep trudging along.  I have to keep moving, no matter how much the pain.