Just to put a lighter spin on things, here’s a cute joke I received from my boss:
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know crap?
Let’s see… what was the trigger for today? Running across a letter from a counselor that meant the world to me, at the time. One that I thought cared about me. I was wrong. Seeing it in writing from her doesn’t matter. People tell me they care all the time. And they betray the trust I have in them. I will no longer trust anyone that says they care about me. Hell, I don’t even know what that means anymore.
So what have I accomplished from this morning’s cry session. Besides to not tire me out so I will have another after lunch? I protected my Twitter updates. I’ve uninstalled all Twitter apps from my phone. I’m no longer going to check the updates. People can erase me from their feed if they want. Won’t hurt my feelings more than they have already been hurt. I’ve turned off emails and text messages from twitter, so I won’t be reminded of them, and be tempted to come back. I’ve told people if they want me to stay in touch to DM me and I will give them my email. So far, one taker. That’s alright too. People don’t want to be bothered by someone like me. I get that.
I am once again thinking of quitting counseling. I want to cut off all connections with the outside world. I want to be alone. But when I am, I’m so scared. And I know no one cares. I guess that is best.
I’ll leave my blog up. It’s the only thing that keeps me in touch with real people. I’m considering turning my blog updates on twitter off. So, if you get the updates through twitter, you might want to be aware of that.
I’m tired of fighting this. I’m tired of waking up every morning. I’m tired of pretending that I’m someone else to please society. There are times I just wish I could put my head down on my desk and cry, and not have people criticize me because of it. That day’s never going to come. I’ve given up on having someone there to comfort me, and on ever getting better. What’s the point? Would anyone care if I died? Likely not. There’s not a real life friend I can talk to about this, even if I could muster up the courage. It’s terribly hard to get through the day at work without crying. I have to be ever vigilant to wipe all tears before someone comes in to talk to me. Uh, why am I crying? Beats the hell out of me. If I bring up the depression to a real life friend they side step the conversation. On line friends just drop me. The ones that decide to keep me just want to lecture me on everything I’m doing wrong. It’s like I’m their personal pet to cure. When they figure out I’m incurable they just say everything’s my fault and I’m too depressing for them to hang around. So, when I say I’m in this alone, I mean it. With a few exceptions, family doesn’t know about my depression. And I’m not going to tell them. It’s better this way. I’m more free to make certain decisions. Decisions I feel only I have the right to make.
It’s hard when I get like this not to cancel my facebook page, and twitter, and every thing else. Having to deal with others is too hard. The friends that used to text message me don’t anymore. I guess I’m too depressing for them too. My blog is starting to sound like a broken record, and it’s hard for me to reach out to people even through this anymore.