life alone

so, life’s life.  we got a new truck.  can’t remember if i’ve said that here or not.  will have to post a picture here soon.  christmas is coming up… i should be excited, but am not.  it’s just another day. i’ve gotten bored with receiving gifts.  it’s like so what?  i get a gift.  big friggin’ deal.  i guess the whole birth of Jesus overpowers the gift giving, but honestly, I’m so tired and alone and crappy feeling, I’d just rather stay home then do the family thing.  I get off between Dec 25–Jan 1.  I’m taking Jan 2 off and half a day on Christmas Eve.  I’m thinking of setting up a counseling appointment, if the counselor will take me back.  I don’t know… I’m not sure if he will.  I’m a failure at getting better, I never will.  So why would someone want to counsel someone like me, that won’t get better.  That is destined to live this life like this?  counseling helps me make it through the day, but will there ever be peace in my life…  Will I ever wake up and not want to skip the day?  Will I ever think that my life is worth living?

a year alone

I was in ninth grade that year.  A new school- freshmen were in the high school.  The county I lived in was poor.  I went to public schools. I was a minority.  Blacks complain about how whites treat them.  We’re supposed to feel badly that they had to go through so much history.  No one cares about how I was treated by blacks though.  After all, I’m a white, and therefore I deserve it. 

I was the only white in my freshman science class.  It started off with about five whites, including the teacher.  Then down to me until the end of the school year when they found another teacher to teach the class. 

Until then, and even after the new teacher, I was an outcast.  I was solely responsible for all that ailed everyone in that class.  Some one made an F on a test, it was my fault.  Don’t ask me how.  It’s not like I could study for them and dump all my knowledge in to their head.  The whole year, I got to hear them complain about me and “my ancestors” (even though I tried to explain to them that most of my family wasn’t over here until after the Civil War). 

There were several gang members in that class.  One of the guys took a liking to me for some reason.  The people in the class would make a circle around me, standing up, blocking the view of the teacher.  He would run his hand up my legs, in my shorts, in …  The only hope I had was he skip class. 

I never told anyone at that school.  I was too afraid to.  Too ashamed. 

It still hurts so badly.  I can hear them yelling at me.  I can feel him …  I live it every day. 

no more titles

What do you do when you realize that your life isn’t worth living anymore?  That you want to die?  That no one would care if you did?  Well, except for monetary purposes.  Now that we have a new truck it is more important to have my income.  Maybe the dog, but she is resilient.  In a way, it’s easier with no one caring. 

This is how I’ve lived my life since I was young.  I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t struggle with this.  How messed up are you when you have a plan at 12?  This doesn’t … and won’t get better.  Just going through work without crying is so dang hard.  I’m alone in the pain.  Even if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to feel anyone caring about me.  Acceptance of the pain is the only way to deal with it.  And it is so hard to accept the fact that this is how I will spend the rest of my life.  Trying to suppress the tears.  Knowing if anyone knew how I felt inside, they’d hate me.  Trying to smile at everyone I meet.  Because not putting on a fake smile would result in crying.

I didn’t end up quitting facebook or myspace.  I did quit all the yahoogroups though.  I want to be alone.  It’s better that way.