no words to describe

I quit all yahoogroups this morning.  I’m quitting myspace and facebook. 

There aren’t words that I know to describe how alone I’m feeling.  How depressed. 

Keeping a thought organized for more than a few seconds is so tiring, and nearly impossible. 

I want to cry all the time. 

If I fell off the earth, would anyone care?  Would anyone notice?

I have to attend a Christmas party mid December for the office I work at.  Keeping a smiling face and happy facade is so hard.  It’s so draining.  I don’t want to go.

I so miss counseling.

It’s been one of those days.  I ask myself what’s the point.  I’m counting down the days until I get sick days.  So that I can go back to counseling. 

Last night was hard.  Really hard.  All I wanted to do was cry.  I had to be strong.  To hold it all in.  To not tell anyone how I feel. 

I’m alone and scared.  To relay to someone how completely empty I feel; how intense the feelings are, it’s just so hard.  How do you tell someone who doesn’t understand?  How do you explain to someone why you’re crying when you don’t know yourself?  How do you explain why you want to die, when you don’t know yourself?  What’s the point in trying to get through things when you feel there is no hope? 

Is there hope?  I’ve never thought so. 

Yet I trudge along…

no one

What do you do when things don’t get better?  When even something that is supposed to make you feel better doesn’t?  How do you get through the days when you don’t want to?  How do you explain to people that you want everything to be all over.  That you just want to be asleep for the rest of your life and not wake up?  How do you make someone who hasn’t been through this understand how much it hurts.  How sometimes it’s hard to make the brain work because it hurts so much.  How do you suppress the tears at work when the flood gates are about to open?  How do you put a smile on your face when all you want to do is die?

Will someone tell me… because I’m so lost.  And alone.  The only friend I have is my husband and I can’t tell him.  I’ve lost my counselor.  Even if I could get off work to go, I’m not sure he would take me back.  I frustrate everyone I’m around.  So I have to get through this alone.  And I can’t do it anymore.

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