I thought everything would magically get better with the new job. Sure the first couple of weeks I was very happy to be here, but now settling in to the daily grind of things, life is back to normal. Normal– tired, depressed, that is my “normal”. I often wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. Did God get mad at me, and this is my punishment? I’ve been struggling with this since I was a kid. I’m so tired and so frustrated with this life. The feelings I can’t even start to explain. I just want to sleep… and cry, and then sleep some more. I’m scared that the rest of my life will be like this. What happens if that is true? If I’m spending the rest of my life feeling like this? How do I get through it? Even if I had lots of people that I could talk to, how do I convey the dark feelings that I can’t even tell why occur, to someone who is happy? My favorite line is that if I were a better Christian than I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Maybe that’s true. Everything is my fault. I’m just tired of being tired. Of wanting to cry and having to fight through the feelings at work. Of putting on a happy face when I don’t even want to live. I wish I had my counselor back.
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So, my little sister is going to have a CT scan today. She is still in a lot of pain and the doctors haven’t figured out what is wrong yet. She’s had blood work done and an ultrasound. At first they thought it was her gall bladder, now they are thinking it might be her appendix. Her bacterial count in her blood was high, but it went up even after taking antibiotics. So, the doctors are clueless. It still might be her gall bladder, or it might not be. They keep dragging this on forever. She originally went to the doctor several weeks ago for this, but it takes so long to get an appointment scheduled, have someone read the scans, and then make an appointment with the regular doctor. I’m worried about her