my aunt

For the past five years my aunt struggled with lung cancer.  She did chemo and everything seemed to be going ok.  Then a couple of months ago, the docs basically sent her home to die.  She was still active but like climbing stairs was getting hard for her.  She stopped responding to medication and her lungs were so swollen the doctors were afraid to do anything anyways.  Mid to end of August she writes that she is still trying to stay active.  Beginning of September she dies. 

We weren’t especially close.  I grew up in the country.  Her kids were city dwellers.  I went to a poor public school.  Her kids went to a rich person’s private school.  Her kids memorized worthless facts.  I learned things that mattered.  I enjoyed hunting after snakes (well, ok not all the time but it was still cool to run across them).  They read a bunch (not like I didn’t read).  But anyways, her kids were CIVILIZED.  I wasn’t.  So she didn’t want us associating with each other.  Because well, I guess she didn’t want us to corrupt her kids. 

I’m testing a theory that it is just as hard to lose someone you’re not close to as someone you are.  I wanted to be close but apparently I wasn’t good enough for her.  I was reading her online obit and several of her ex students (she was a school librarian) were saying all these nice things about her about how she smiled and treated them so well.  Why wasn’t I good enough?  After all, I was related.  I don’t think I am that non-civilized.  But I guess I am.

i’m here

ok.  so i’m not good about titles.  but i’m here i guess.  i had my physical and passed everything.  they still have to read the chest xrays and go through all the blood work results.  so i guess i’ll know the results to those eventually.  work was kind of slow today, somehow recovering from the FIVE vials of blood they took wasn’t easy.  lunch helped but was still left with a bad headache. i passed the lung test and hearing test and vision test.  they said i heard nearly every beep on the test.  pretty good for someone who failed just about every one when i was little.  i guess i don’t care though. 

my little sister is having medical problems.  i guess she is going to withdraw from school.  she’ll have her education degree but not her license to teach.  she’s passed out several times in the last week.  she likely has a stomach ulcer.  her blood pressure is shooting up there and so is her blood sugar.  she is also having chest pains.  she goes to the doctor this weekend but i’m not sure they will have an easy answer.  and apparently she is going off of health insurance when she formally withdraws from school.  so i don’t know what she is going to do with all the problems and perhaps a lapse in health insurance

oh yeah, and i have to figure out how come the pic of my dog didn’t show up

last counseling appointment

yes, i know back in april i said no more counseling.  that didn’t last long so i started seeing the counselor again.  i like him alot.  it’s still hard to talk though.  extremely hard.  but it’s so hard to talk even if no one were in the room.  i guess i get so worked up i chicken out of saying what i want to.  i also have problems just sorting out what to say.  what’s wrong … how the heck do i know.  i just feel down … really down.  meds don’t work.  and i can’t explain the feelings enough to have the counseling work to it’s full extent.  i think i made my counselor really mad last time.  or maybe just frustrated.  i do that to all my counselors.  they all get so frustrated because they don’t know how to help me.  and meanwhile i don’t get any better.  at least i’m not as bad as i was in missouri.  then i was living day to day.  now i still want to die so badly.  but know i cant.  what would erik do about the house.  i don’t think a lot of life insurance companies cover suicide.  i feel trapped.  the only way to stop the feelings is to die and i can’t do that.  so i’m trapped here.  i’m just so confused.  everything is so overwhelming.  but there isn’t a lot going on for me to be overwhelmed.  when i quit my last job i pretty much gave up counseling.  my last appointment was he could do 7 in the morning but i wouldn’t be able to get to work on time and i couldn’t go in the afternoon because i have to work to 5.  so hopefully in the new year i will start getting some sick time that way i can take off to go to appointments.  i miss that time talking to someone.  i guess it shouldn’t matter.  nothing matters.

text messages

so i’m trying a new service for those who have text messaging (preferably unlimited texting) I’ve started something where I can send out a text message when updates are made to the page. 

I’ll also eventually add email support for it too so that I can send emails when I’ve updated the site.

karma

image1932936778.jpgSo made it through another day. I’m trying to get through each day but life just seems to still be so overwhelming. How do you deal with living when you don’t want to? It going to be a rough week. I go in for that stinking exam tomorrow. I don’t even care though. Each day at a time. So what does everyone think of my dog. She’s a sweetheart ain’t she?

last doctor’s appointment

so i go in to my regular doctor for my yearly woman’s exam (which is lots of fun I tell ya).  apparently my lab I have to use has changed… and no one told me.  Not my ex-boss (boss at that time), insurance company, etc.  i find out as they are fixing to take me back that the lab will not pay for my tests and the doctor can’t do anything but refill my acne prescription.  so i have a prescription for yaz (my birth control) until January.  Could the doc please write me a prescription for Yasmin (Yaz makes me SICK) for another two months until my insurance changes and then I can visit them for my exam when I don’t have to use a certain lab.  NO.  It’s been too long since my last pap.  BUT… I have a prescription for a different drug that makes me sick… I can keep refilling my current birth control, but I can’t get something that well, doesn’t make me feel like I have to puke for two weeks out of the month.  Nope.  The insurance won’t cover it.  Bull it already covers the Yaz now.  Well it’s against office policy.  Well, apparently the docs knew when I called up to make the appointment my labs had changed, can’t they make an exception… no.  Well, I still want to see the doctor I made an appointment with.  We’ll send in the PA.  I don’t want to see the PA.  If I wanted to see her, I would have made an appointment with HER and not the doctor.  Yet the butt holes still sent in the PA.  I told her I wanted to see the doctor.  30 minutes after my appointment, 45 minutes after she was called to get ready for my appointment (I got there 20 minutes early) she finally walks in.  Nope won’t give me the friggin birth control.  I’ve had it with these idiots.  So I call my old doctor up.  Yes, well we can send the labs special for ya and can work you in tomorrow afternoon.  Nice. 

So I go to THAT doc’s appointment.  Do the pap.  No real big deal.  Pull blood.  Poor little nurse tech misses vein TWICE so the doctor decides to pull from my wrist.  After she pulls the blood, it pools up under the skin and then eventually bruises pretty bad.  It took me a week and a half to recover from that.  Nice.  She told me she wanted to SEE me to go over the lab results.  Huh?  I’ve never had a doc want to do that.  I’m afraid she is thinking she will find something wrong with me.  I will have to cancel that appointment though because other plans came up.  I think I will just call for my lab results.  That’s what most docs do.  She also started me on Trazadone.  I’ve been taking 50 mg now because 75 mg makes me really tired.  So I will get used to the lower dose.  Not really doing anything yet.  No noticeable change 🙁

wow… five months

I guess it’s been a while eh?  I’ve been trying to get my blog started on the new website.  So, ta da!  Here it is.  I still have some more work to do on it.  I want to add a random quote generator and do some other stuff, but for now, this will have to do.  If you got any suggestions, shoot me an email or comment here.