Life

Busy busy busy leads to extreme exhaustion.  I feel like just sleeping the day away alot of times.  So very tired.

Depression has not gotten any better at all. I still want to die, still want to cut.  The only thing that makes it better is the simple fact that I’m too tired to do anything about it (or maybe that makes it worse?).  I’m too numb to think about the problems. 

I’m not on any meds for depression– I gave up on those a while ago.  It just gets frustrating starting a new medicine and then not have it work.  I’ve been through my fair share of psychiatrists —  and figured out they must think too much of themselves to actually listen.  Either that or they don’t care.  I’ve pretty much given up on the meds for life.

I’m still in counseling, but still thinking of quitting.  It helps having someone to talk to on a weekly basis, but I feel like I can’t open up to the counselor, even though I want to.  I just don’t have the energy / strength to want to deal with the problems anymore.  It’s like I feel numb by everything.  But at the same time, I constantly want to cry.  I want to hurt myself.  I want to die.  I have no friends here I can talk to, that will hold me when I cry.  I feel so alone and at the same time so overwhelmed by life.  Even if someone cared, I still wouldn’t feel it.

Job offer for the hubby

So, my husband just started a new job last week.  I think he will like it a bit more in some ways.  He was being stressed out significantly at his last job.  His blood sugars were all over the place and hard to control.  His blood pressure was sky high.  They took advantage of him because they knew … or they thought they could. 

He went for a job interview with a different department at the place he works.  Just to practice his interviewing skills, not thinking he would get the job.  Well, he got it and with that raise that the other department had been promising him for over 9 months!!! 

There are a couple of drawbacks.  The new job promised he would be supervising someone.  But since the person that he would be supervising was also supposed to do some training of him, they decided to wait six months before Erik would be supervising the guy.  Also, they agreed that he could keep his early morning times.  It is halfway important because I would take him to the bus stop in the morning and pick him up at the stop in the afternoon.  Now what we’re thinking about doing is me dropping him off at his regular time at the bus stop and then picking him up at work.  He’d end up working an extra hour over what he needs to be working, but even if he took the last bus in he’d still get to work quite early.

Saying good bye to a friend

I consider my counselor I had in MO one of the best friends I have ever had.  I thought we had a special bond.  Emphasis on THOUGHT.

She has been one of the few people I was able to tell ANYTHING to and not feel totally guilty about admitting things.   She was one of the reasons (and at times, the only) that I stayed alive.  She made me promise at the end of every session to stay alive to the next one.  I promised her when I quit counseling with her I would exhaust every resource before deciding to kill myself. 

Well, I was planning on passing through MO on a vacation that I had planned.  I wanted to meet with her and just say hi and have some coffee or ice cream or something.  Nothing doing.   She would feel uncomfortable meeting with me because of our past relationship.  Whatever.  I feel betrayed and can’t get past this.  I don’t have the heart to tell my current counselor, and boundaries for me are so very light gray they are almost white.  I can’t distinguish the difference between a “friend” relationship and a “counselor” relationship.  They both seem the same, and it hurts on so many different levels to feel as let down as I did then. 

What do you do when the reason you have been staying alive has been torn into a million little pieces?  What do you do when you’re too afraid to feel because of all the pain?