I know I shouldn’t blog when I’m this upset. Nothing good ever comes of it.
At what point is it okay to give up? I know I can never do anything, which makes the feelings even worse. I know that I’ll live through this, even though I really don’t want to. No one gets how hard it is just to wake up some days, much less go to work and put on a smile, pretending everything is okay. As much as I’ve always wanted someone just to hold me while I cry, I can’t do that. Do you know what it’s like to know that a simple hug would be too emotionally intense to endure? To have feelings so overwhelmingly intense that you feel like your head is popping open? To spend all your energy just struggling to not burst in to tears? Nothing is calming anymore. Nothing can quiet what’s going on; I’ve given up on that. Why is this so hard now? I’ve gone through these feelings for so long, why can’t I keep it together even at work now?
I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday. I’m scared as shit. I see no way I’ll be able to have the courage to bring up how I’ve been feeling in words. Only a letter that I will give him at the end of the session. Then I’ll have to wait two weeks to see him. I wish I had the courage to tell people things out loud. I wish I wasn’t so terrified all the time. I wish I could be normal, so people would like me and want to be friends instead of just tolerating me at best.
I still have a burning question. No one’s ever been able to answer it. When I ask, people ignore or go ummmmm… Why is it okay for a mom to have an abortion, but I’d be seen as a mental case, horrible person, insert your own bad description here, if I killed myself? Really I want an answer… Why can a mom make a decision to kill an innocent kid when I can’t decide the fate of my own life?