I don’t know where to start, or how to explain how I feel. I don’t know how to put the emptiness and sadness into words most people will understand. I have to stay alive for this kiddo, but if it wasn’t for him/her, I’d imagine I’d be in a much different place. I want to talk about how I feel, but I don’t know how to. I want to tell someone how much I’m struggling, but I’m scared. I want to talk to my counselor about some things, but I play the conversations over and over again, and the conversation never turns out good.
We just got back from vacation. Everyone had fun. It was nice being with the kids. And honestly, I could hang out with W while E and my sister hung out. He was planning on taking condoms on the trip; asked me if he should. I’m like I’m already pregnant; what do you need them for (knowing what he meant). He eventually put them back (I think). He invited her to sleep with us one night. (She turned him down). He was saying today about how much he enjoyed my sister being so huggy with him during the trip. The two of them are so much alike. I feel like the fifth wheel when we are all together, like I don’t belong anywhere. No one will ever want to be around me. No one wants to be around me.
I realized last night that I’m overthinking everything. I just should think of this relationship as roommates with “benefits”. Everything is so much easier to take in then. I haven’t heard him say that he loves me since I was pregnant with W, over three years now. I look at other people getting their wives stuff, and telling me about these great moments, and hearing that they say that they love each other, and want that. He locked up our engagement ring. I don’t have a husband, I have a roommate; and when I think of things like that, then everything is easier to swallow. He is more of a boyfriend to my sister than a wife to me. I should just accept that I’m not worthy of being loved, and move on. This will be the rest of my life.
That day in September, I regret not going through with it. I really regret it. I was so fucking close, and I couldn’t do it. I’m just a coward for not being able to finalize and be done with the pain. I’m selfish for not going through with it; it seems like everyone would be happier with me gone. E could be with my sister. They could be with the kids together, as a couple. No one needs me. No one wants me.
I’m struggling significantly with my faith. Is there a God? S is just getting into really wanting to go to church, and I want her to, but I don’t know if I can believe. Why does He let some folks die that have so much to give, but someone like me, who has nothing to give, stays alive. I’m just having a hard time believing through the pain. I just have a hard time believing that my being alive helps rather than hurts people. That there is some reason for my being alive, other than other people watching me suffer.
I’ve given up on close friendships. I’ll have surface friendships, but I’m not letting anyone else in on the pain anymore. No one can handle the pain. No one has ever been able to. So I will just separate that person from myself. I just end up hurt, and hurting others. And either way, I end up crying at 10 o’clock at night, alone, wondering what the point of my life is, with no one to talk to. Or I see the pain and worry in other’s eyes that I’ve caused because I’ve given them an inner glimpse of how much I’m hurting. I have one friend that I can let in, and I’m thankful for that.
Right now, more than anything, I want someone to sit with me while I cry. To hold my hand. To hug me. To tell me it will be ok. Or not to say anything at all. Just to let me be me, without strings attached. To not judge. To just be present with me. That is my dream… Pretty pathetic, huh?